Not My Own

Be The Hands And Feet

2010-09-27T18:36:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to share a blog with anyone who hasn't seen this yet. It's called Be The Hands And Feet. From what I understand, this ministry was started by a girl when she was 18 or so (I might be making that up), and they take care of orphans in Uganda. I love reading their stories. Some are very sad, but it is so eye-opening (heart-opening). Anyone want to go with me one day??? haha.
Also, there is another blog called Sarah's Covenant Homes (or something like that, you can look it up on my page). This ministry is in India. They have so many kids in their home with such a variety of developmental and medical issues. I think a lot of the kids are left abandoned because of their conditions. The writer of the blog (and I assume she is the creator of the ministry), is not a medical professional, but she, along with all of the others in the ministry, is able to give the kids the care they need at home, and they are able to take the kids to the doctors and specialists they need. I guess they raise money through the blog and through other means to pay for the surgeries that the kids need. It's awesome.
I am inspired by these women who dedicate their lives to serve these people in other, remote places.
I have heard that miracles are more present in places like these, where there may be less distraction and more reliance on God for all needs. I want to see that!! I always believe that God can do and heal ANYTHING and make seemingly impossible things become possible. I know He does that here, too, but I wonder if a whole new perspective would be gained in somewhere like Uganda or India.

Iron

2010-09-22T15:50:00.000-07:00

Over the last few months, I've been so tired. I have slacked on exercising, and I have not been doing as much stuff after work as I usually do. Mainly, I've been working and taking naps. I didn't know what the problem was. I was hoping that I didn't just all of a sudden become a lazy person! Sometimes, I'd drive home from work and think that I really need to exercise that day... at least go for a walk. And then, I'd see someone on the street walking, and I would just think, whew I couldn't even do THAT right now. I felt like my legs were weak just thinking about walking. How crazy! That just didn't seem like me. Earlier this year I was running semi-regularly, to get ready for a long race, so I was staying pretty active. Now, I couldn't even THINK about even taking a walk.
So, I felt like I should set up a doctors appointment, but I just kept putting it off. I don't like medicine and I don't necessarily like going to the doctor.
Well, eventually, I set up that doctors appointment, which was yesterday.
3 hours after I walk into the office, I leave, with one prescription for every hour I was there!
Turns out that I do have a low blood count, anemia, so I need to take an iron supplement and change my diet. I'm glad it can be treated like that, but to be honest, I don't like having to think so much about my diet. I don't eat terribly as it is, though I could use some adjusting. I don't eat much fried food, maybe once/week, and I try to limit myself on snacks and sweets and stuff like that... but I do love sweets. But, I guess I don't eat enough of the RIGHT stuff, like vegetables and meats, etc. Now, I'm going to need to really concentrate on getting enough greens and meats into my diet I guess, if I want to have any energy.
Anyway, I also needed an antibiotic for a small infection, and the doctor thinks I have a hormone imbalance, so she prescribed a birth-control pill to control that. I didn't really understand all of that, but I'm thinking it will help my 'monthly happenings' to be a little less achy, so I'm ok with that!
So... I guess I was due for a doctors appointment. I am glad to finally have something to try to get my energy back. I HATE feeling so tired. I feel so lazy. So, hopefully with this Iron, and then with the other meds, I'll start feeling like new! If not, she'll check my thyroid in a few months... but I'm counting on all of this new 'stuff' to work!
Oh, she also recommended a specific soap for my face. I'm not gonna lie, I didn't not come out of that doctors appointment with a very good self-image. First, she tells me that I am pale (probably due to the anemia), and then she points out the darker color of the hair on my arms and says that's due to a little hormone imbalance, AND she keeps asking me about acne... thanks, lady!? Haha. Just kidding, she was pretty nice and I'm glad she was willing to help me with taking care of all my issues!
Now, I'm hoping that Iron kicks in before Saturday - I've got a MUD RUN to do!

2nd Birthday

2010-08-29T21:13:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow, someone special to me is celebrating their 2nd Birthday! Not a regular birthday, but a day to recognize 2 years of sobriety. Since it's called Alcoholics ANONYMOUS, I guess I won't give the person's name. If you know me well, then you know who it is, and I'm sure he doesn't mind anyone knowing anyway. In fact, he loves to share his story.

I can't even properly express how proud I am of this person. He's always been a loving, funny, caring person. Thankfully, alcoholism didn't take these perfect qualities away from him... and again, thankfully, sobriety didn't change these characteristics either. He is still the same, hilarious, goofy, sweet, sarcastic person I knew before. But now, he actually cares about his own life and what his purpose in life is. He has been able to look at life clearly, and not just live life day-to-day with the same routine of work, home, drink, recover, work, drink, home, drink, recover, etc... with the ocassional desire to change but never really doing anything about it.

Now, he is so thoughtful about what he is doing, how he is treating people, the decisions he is making... and coincidentally, things in his life seem to be much smoother than they were before. He shows up to get-togethers actually wanting to be there and wanting to spend time with family and friends.

I am SO glad that he came to the decision to make this change in his life. He will admit that it wasn't easy - but he will also admit that making the change was SO much better than he ever thought it would be. While he was in that cloud of drinking (to forget, to get through something, to relax, whatever his reasons), he couldn't imagine giving it up completely - how lame, how dumb, what was wrong with getting drunk anyway, it's not like he was a raging alcoholic...any excuse he could think of, I'm sure - he couldn't see the real benefits of quitting compeltely. I think it sounded like more work to him than it should be, or that it couldn't be 'that much better.' But, he found out in little time that it was the best thing for him. It cleared his mind and heart, it allowed him to actually deal with the issues that were deep inside, and it helped him to forgive (others, himself, whoever) and to look to God to show him how to live.

You can tell how much happier he is. You can tell where his priorities lie. And he still is the same person, in a way, in all the right ways. It didn't make him less funny or less fun or anything like that. It made him better in every sense.

I am so proud. And so happy. Sobriety has made him truly seek and know who Christ is. We have more conversations than I've had with most people about God and his purposes and our purposes in God's plan. He has it all. I think he trusts Christ a lot more than some people I know who have claimed to trust Christ for years. At least his life and attitude show it.

This has been prayed for by his family members for years... and I think it is the perfect testament to others to prove that prayer works, and that God does listen, and He CAN change people - note - I said HE can change people in this way, WE DON'T change them. I do believe the individual person has to come to the point or decision where they are willing to give something up in order to make this change - and once they make the decision, then God is there all the way. The verse that says, "Raise up a child in the way he should go, and he shall not depart from it," or something like that - it is true. They will come back to Christ. That gives me hope for others that I've known that are in a place like this person was. I believe that God can and wants to bring all of His children back to Him. So, given God's timing and good purpose, they will come back to Him. I believe it.

you can change your mind

2010-08-29T20:37:00.000-07:00

A quick blog to say that... one of the biggest things that keeps me excited about life (besides just everything about God and how he completes my life) is the fact that I am not confined to anything. Nothing says that I can't change my mind and have a new career. Nothing says that I can't move to wherever I want to move. At any point in time.

Now, do I need to be responsible about these choices? YES! Personally, for me, I have a lot of things that I want to pay off (hence one of the previous blogs about debt elimination). So, yes, I want to take care of that before I make any changes, if I decide to make them. But, that is completely in my control. I can make that decision, conquer that goal, and choose to take a new path in life.

That, to me, makes life so interesting and open and unpredictable. I love it.

The one thing that I have not figured out is if I would still have this freedom to change if I were married. And maybe that is a good reason I am not married yet. Two people are involved in marriage (unless you are on Big Love), and one person doesn't just decide to jump up and move without considering the other person's desires (well, not if you love each other, that is).

I could be in trouble one day - this is the thing that makes me nervous about that kind of life-commitment. All I know is that if that time ever comes - I'd better either be very settled in where I am, or I'd better wait for someone who is just as open to 'change' as I am.

Right now, and hopefully always, I am open and excited to see life unfold... and hopefully will enjoy all the steps to every new chapter.

Loving the chapter I'm in right now... if it were a movie, I feel like I'm at the beginning of my 'montage.' :)

a (busy) day in the life...

2010-08-27T15:18:00.000-07:00

Look at this - a THIRD post in one week... :)

I just thought I'd talk a little bit about work today. Today was such a busy day, and I love these days the best. I always feel a little guilty saying that, seeing as how I work in a hospital - and a busy day for me means that people are sick or in pain or having to have surgery or procedures... not good!

Anyway, on with the day. I work in the Burn Clinic in the mornings, and lately there have not been so many kids. However, today made up for the entire week! I think the most interesting thing I saw today was a little girl having her head scanned so that a mask can be made for her. This mask is used to cover the burn scars on her face. Putting pressure on those scars with a mask help to keep the scars from building up and becoming thick. Anyway, the process was so unique and interesting. The PT (side note: I love the girls in PT that I get to work with - they always let observe new things they are doing and let me know when there are kids that could use help , too!) Anyway, they have this computer attached to a scanner - the scanner looks just like one in a store. She scans the person's face all over, and the person's image appears on the screen in 3D (4D?). She did this a few times to make sure that a good complete picture was made. Then she sends all of those scans in to a company that makes the mold for the mask. When it comes back to the hospital here, they can melt plastic over the mold and fit the mask to the person's face. Technology is crazy! (And expensive, by the way)
Well, the little patient today did SO WELL. She held so still and I think she even liked it :) When she first came into the clinic, she was scared and didn't want anyone to come near her, because she knows exactly what kinds of things happen in the clinic (dressing changes, blood pressure, things that 3 year olds don't like). But, we showed her exactly what the scanner did, and she thought it was pretty neat. She was so cute.

There were many other patients in the clinic which kept me pretty busy. One child had an MRSA abscess. Usually, people with these will have surgery, so the infection is removed from inside and then packed with medicine (this paper-like medicine that literally is packed into the wound). Then they come back to have the dressing changed and the medicine taken out, and then the wound has to be re-packed with medicine until it is healed. This patient is great - talkative and a good personality... did great with her surgery. She freaked out, though, when it came time to re-pack the wound - it really freaked her out that the medicine had to go inside a little bit - and WHO CAN BLAME HER - that freaks me out thinking about it! Anyway, finally the nurse said that she could do it herself if she wanted - so she did! All it took was her having a little control over her situation, and she actually packed her own wound! (It didn't have to go far in at all, just so you know... it's not like she was shoving anything into a big open wound ;).

So... after the clinic busy-ness... then comes the scariest part of the day. While walking down one of the hallways, I hear this man yelling so loud. Then, I see a woman walking very quickly away from the man. He's yelling at her to come back and walking toward her. I have no clue what it was about, but that man was so mad... like so angry it makes you nervous to be around, and it gives me chill bumps. I hate when people get that angry - it's so scary - you just wonder what they are going to do. Anyway, I had to walk past him to get to where I was going, and the whole time I'm just thinking 'Please don't swing at me, please don't hit me." I think he was blind (he had these shades on), so I was scared he would hear my footsteps and think I was the woman and then he'd hit me. BUT he didn't :) So... security was called, and I guess that was taken care of. When I see stuff like that, I'm reminded of just how different some people's lives are. I can't imagine being as angry as that man - and I can't imagine being the person he is mad at... that has to be scary. I always wonder what people's lives are like when they are in their homes, away from public... makes me sad.

So, after that, I was planning to meet another one of the PT girls to work with one particular little patient that has been in the hospital almost as long as I've been there. I can't give any details of the patient, but this child is so special and is going through unimaginable life circumstances at such a young age. I feel constantly challenged at trying to 'reach' this child and to help her have a little normalcy in the hospital. For weeks, I've been trying to think of different ways we can 'play'... this child's mobility is extremely limited, so ya gotta get creative. Anyway, I made this Memory game that we can play together. Actually the game company made the game - ha - I just adapted it to be able to play on a stand-up board. Put velcro on the pieces and cover up a big wooden screen with felt, and you have a stand-up memory game! We played that while he was having PT, and honestly, she did not seem very interested - but then again, lately he has not been responding back much to us at all. Usually, she shakes or nods her head to respond, but I think he has been agitated lately... so I've seen lots more "NO" shakes than head nods lately! Anyway - after PT, I stayed around to play some more, and I figured she just wanted to watch movies as usual. As soon as I took the game down, he got upset, so I put it back up and asked if she wanted to play - and he nodded! Woohoo - she likes it! I know that sounds so trivial - but I was just so excited that she actually found something he liked besides a movie! She actually likes to be read to, too, but we've done so much of that - I think he really needs something new and different. So... I think now that I have that board set up, we could probably adapt a lot of other things to do with it... so we'll see :)

All in all, it was such a productive day at work! Those don't happen every day, but it is so rejuvenating when they do. Even on these days, I still feel like I'm a slacker... I still didn't see all the kids upstairs, and I want to start working with kids in the OR more - prep them for surgery, check in while they are waiting... but something is just keeping me from diving in full force there. Today was too busy with the clinic and the other patients, and I wouldn't have made it to the OR anyway - but hopefully I'll start feeling more comfortable in all areas of the hospital and be able to do more there.

Fall

2010-08-26T15:06:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine told me that she never looks at my blog because I never post anything new, and when I finally do, it is 3 miles long. HAHA. And that is so true :) So, in an effort to blog more, I'm just gonna write something today, and that will make twice in one week! How's that, Katie?

I will just say how much I LOVE Fall, and how ready I am for it! Here are some reasons I love it so much:

1. It's cooler.
2. The leaves are pretty.
3. Windy.
4. Everything smells better in Fall.
5. Halloween AND Thanksgiving, and the beginning of Christmas season.
6. Christmas music, everywhere.
7. A happy feeling that comes from I don't know where... just happy because it's Fall.
8. Festivals outside. And the weather during the festivals.
9. Wearing jeans and long sleeve shirts and feeling great without having to bundle up too much, but not feeling hot either.
10. All the decorations in the stores.
11. I just think of 'family' when I think of Fall, probably because of the holidays.
12. Cinnamon and Pumpkin spice
13. I'm more likely to exercise in Fall.
14. Hiking is appealing. Notice I did not say that I do it... but I'd like to, and Fall is the perfect time to start :)
15. Charlie Brown Specials

I'm sure there are many many more :) I've already started to feel the cooler weather in the mornings and at night - yay, it's coming!

Lately...

2010-08-24T17:56:00.000-07:00

My mind seems to move at 100mph pretty regularly. It is not that I am not satisfied where I am right now... but I am always looking forward to what might be next.

Lately, on my mind constantly is missions. I have thought about it for so many years, but I have not done much about it. I don't know why. It does seem kind of daunting. Even the act of going on a week-long mission trip requires raising the money to do it. And, I have enough money issues as it is. The thought of raising support for long-term missions just seems impossible... and unappealing! It's not, of course, but I think my pride is too human to feel good about raising money. I think I would rather find a way to work for it... though that may take years!

But, that should never stop me from going. I think I'm probably mostly just scared. It is a big commitment.

Anyway - it's not like I'm going right now or any time very soon... who knows. I just think about it a lot.

But, in order to prepare myself for my next step - whether that means missions far away, or something more local - I am going to make some changes.

For one - I have had a debt building up since I moved back from Charleston - because I was in between jobs and still having a house payment (bad combination). So, my goal right now is: OPERATION DEBT ELIMINATION. It's not an insane amount, but it's way more than I'd ever like to have (which is zero).

So, I'm thinking of different ways to work toward this goal. That begins with spending less (duh). I have spent so much time and money lately on travel and fun... so NO MORE FUN! Just kidding :) But, I am going to get my priorities in line and cut down on the 'fun' money and time, and focus on using my time to earn money to pay off everything. That might mean a night/weekend part-time job, or teaching piano on the side, or finding a way to play piano at weddings and stuff like that, housesitting - whatever!

After I pay it off, then I plan on earning money so I can hopefully find a trip to Africa to take... and THEN we will see where that leads.

So here goes... :)

Simple Saturday

2010-08-14T20:20:00.001-07:00

There was nothing out of the ordinary about today. I think that is what made it so great. For once, I stayed in Augusta this weekend. And, I slept in this morning. I read a little, listened to some new slow music, took my time getting ready and actually blow dried my hair. I met a friend for lunch and saw a movie (Eat, Pray, Love) with other friends. I went to the store and made homemade guacamole while listening to music, and then headed out to a friend's engagement party. It was actually pretty full, I guess... but it was just so nice to let the day just happen. Nothing was really planned, except for the party, of course. I love days like this. I also do love going out of town, but I do it so much that I really look forward to weekends with nothing planned.

I also LOOOVE living back in my house. I think I've realized that I love big social time just as much as I love personal, quiet time. And, I can't believe it, but I really love cooking and having good music on in the background.

New things I'm discovering all the time. :) I think there is definitely something to be said about simplicity. My life seems so far from it, as far as my schedule goes, anyway. But, it really is the slow, quiet things that sometimes feel so good.

As far as stuff, actual material things, goes... I have been working on simplicity for a while now. Maybe it started when I moved to Charleston and then started changing residencies every 6 months... out of a need to downsize and make moving easier. And maybe it magnified after reading a little Francis Chan. But, I long to be more simple. To have the things in life I actually need, and less of the things that are just 'extra.' That was easier when I was not living in my house. Now that I have moved back in, it's a bigger challenge to not want to accumulate just stuff to 'fill the spaces' or decorate. But, I feel like it's going pretty well, so far.

I want to appreciate life, and I want to experience life outside of my own. I don't want to be wasteful and get wrapped up in things that don't matter. I want there to be a purpose behind everything, and I don't EVER want to just exist. (This is getting a little deeper than I intended, ha). I don't want to miss learning or miss out on something I should have seen or done because I was so busy filling in my 'quiet time' with stuff and activity.

So... simplicity is my ongoing goal.

righteousness through faith

2010-05-03T20:34:00.000-07:00

You know how you just kind of get in a funk sometimes? I have had a good share of them over the last few years, but a lot of good has come from them, so I'm not going to complain about them. Anytime I am in one of these funks now, I know that I am going to learn something sooner or later ;)

This past year has been so great - I've developed such a great group of friends and had good times with my older friends. I feel like I've done so much and been on so many fun trips. It really has been awesome. But, even with so many good things going on, I still hit a funk. Nothing like the funks I've been in in the past, but still, not a good feeling. I saw a funk defined once as "less than a depression and more than just a bad day." That's pretty good...

In my case, there is always a specific incident that brings on something like that, but the actual situation doesn't matter too much. "Situations" always involve people... and feelings. And situations that put someone into a funk usually involve negative feelings. And the heart of the matter is not what someone or I did or said (or didn't do or say), but the heart of the matter is WHY I feel the way I feel. I think we automatically want to blame other people for the way we feel - when really, it truly only comes down to ourselves. And, I usually need to ask myself: "Why do I feel this way? Why does this make me upset/angry/sad/frustrated?" Instead of: "Why does he/she do this or that?" Hopefully that makes sense.

We can't blame other people for our feelings. (Yes, sometimes we are definitely 'attacked,' but I'm not referring to that kind of situation). I think we need to try to understand why we feel the way we feel, and trust God to work this out through us. I'm not saying that we should forget about other people, but we just need to recognize that our problems exist because WE are human and imperfect ourselves.

Even though I KNOW this, I usually blame others for a while before I start remembering that it's really not about them at all - it's me. Ugh, when will I learn?! ;)

Anyway, through this funk, the latest lesson I've been learning is this: "righteousness comes through faith." I don't think I ever really even tried to understand what that means. I probably just read it years, maybe even months ago and thought, "yeah, sure, OK. righteousness comes through faith. faith is good. good." Seriously, I don't think I put any thought into it.

Until lately. I have been trying SOOO hard to act "right" (or "right"eous). I always want to come across as if I have it together and as if I know how to treat everyone with perfect love and forgiveness, even if things aren't perfect. Even when I'm dying inside from frustration or annoyance and I and want nothing more than to disappear from a situation, I'm hoping to come across as calm, cool and collected. Ha - well I know that doesn't happen, because I end up coming across as AWKWARD. That's me for sure. Or, maybe I seem really rude... I hate that.
the last thing I want is to be that way... but it's like I can't help it. If I'm in a situation and I don't want to be there, I'm going to try to be nice and normal, but I'm probably going to be very distant and wrapped up in my head and emotions. I may not proclaim my emotions, but I definitely can't hide them. Wow, that is something I know and really dislike about myself! It's kind of like what Paul says about our heart desiring to be one way (the good way), but our body (flesh) doing the exact thing that we hate. It is such a battle... a constant one sometimes.

The stupid thing is - I'd be the first one to say that "We should all be honest with each other about our weaknesses and failures, etc." And, I do really believe that - but when it comes to personal in-the-moment situations, I now see that I SOOO try to hide my real (weak) self. Which is pointless, because it shows anyway.

So - - - when I do have these moments when I am having such a hard time loving and accepting and being "right" and being a good friend even when I'm hurt and frustrated - - - I am totally thrown off. Generally, I get along with people really well. I really do love people pretty easily. And I HATE it when I struggle with relationships with others. I hate when I know that I am being judgemental and critical. Yet, I don't know how to stop it. And, I try so hard to NOT be that way, that I get even more frustrated when I can't fix myself. Usually, I assume that intentionally putting myself in the very situation that frustrates me will force me to HAVE to overcome the challenge... like I can be "the bigger person" and act (even make myself believe) as if nothing is bothering me. But what I have learned is that it only makes it worse. And it takes me FOREVER to come to terms with that.

This has been driving me crazy for a long time now. And FINALLY, I read something last week that made ALL the difference. Or maybe it was a combination of things that I was reading. Anyway, the thing that stuck out was that RIGHTEOUSNESS (becoming more like Christ) comes through FAITH. We cannot become righteous on our own - I cannot "fix myself." As much as I want to be different, I can't "make myself good." I can't put myself in an awkward situation enough times until I just become a better person on my own. Only by having FAITH that God is going to change me - knowing that I can stop trying so hard to be 'better' - will I actually change.

In my case, I really believe that taking myself away from the 'situation' and distancing just a little bit is what God has wanted me to do. My natural instinct is to believe that this MUST be wrong - why would God want me to get away from a situation if I am supposed to be learning how to love others more? It doesn't make sense to my brain... but, when do God's plans make a whole lot of sense to me anyway?

I was reading something today that talked about Mary (Jesus' mother) and how weird God's plan was for her. Why would he decide to make Mary pregnant when she wasn't even married. What must her neighbors have thought?? Didn't it seem too scandalous?? But really, it wasn't scandalous at all. Everyone else may have thought it was - but they didn't really know the whole story. Only God did and does.

So, when I think it's crazy that I need to take myself out of a situation that I am trying to improve... I have to remember that just because I don't think it seems right doesn't mean that it isn't right. Obviously, all of my OWN efforts were in vain and just brought me lower and lower. Just because it might seem strange to other people doesn't mean that God doesn't want me to do it.

Anyway - that's just a random thought. The main point is that God is the one who will make me righteous. I can stop trying to force myself to be nice and sweet and polite and loving - (when really I am negative and hurtful and angry and critical on the inside) - and I can trust that if I can just "be still," seek Him by knowing Him more, and do what God wants of me, even if it seems weird, then GOD WILL CHANGE MY HEART.

I have already noticed Him working, even just in how my anxiety has changed. I've been so hyped up about all of this that my stomach has been in knots and my heart races sometimes just out of pure frustration that I CAN'T be a better person and I don't know how to handle my situation. And finally, once I learned this lesson, my anxiety lessened almost immediately. It was crazy! I'm not saying that I am 100% - I never will be cured of pride here on this earth - BUT, a profound difference has been made because of God alone - and I can trust that He IS CHANGING me even still. I still may have a ways to go, and I may not be completely out of that funk - but I don't have to force myself to do anything anymore. It would all be in vain anyway. He is working in me. Righteousness comes by faith. He IS changing my heart and softening it and helping me to love more.

I am starting to learn that I can always trust Him to teach me something great through any funk I may have...

His ways are not my ways, nor His thoughts my thoughts. His ways are higher. Thank GOD. :)

A Survey

2010-01-26T18:31:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the new 2010 edition of getting to know your family and friends. Here is what you are supposed to do, and try not to spoil the fun. Change all the answers so that they apply to you. Have fun and be truthful! I want to see your answers!! Link up at the end so we can share in your answers!

1. What is your occupation right now? Child Life Specialist
2. What color are your socks right now? none
3. What are you listening to right now? whatever is on the TV in the background
4. What was the last thing that you ate? half of a snickers
5. Can you drive a stick shift? my brother tried to teach me years ago and i might remember how, but it would be BUMPY
6. Last person you spoke to on the phone: my niece ;) she has been calling lately... i guess the phone is a new-found treat for her
7. Do you like the person who sent this to you? i stole it from denise's page, and yes i love her :)
8 . How old are you today? 27
9. What is your favorite sport to watch on TV? gymnastics
10. What is your favorite drink? lipton green tea
11. Have you ever dyed your hair? 2 or 3 times
12. Favorite food? not sure what my very favorite is... i have always loved the chicken/mashed potatoes/green beans combo ;)
13. What is the last movie you watched? Leap Year
14. Favorite day of the year? well that changes every year...
15. How do you vent anger? cry, exercise, write
16. What was your favorite toy as a Child? cricket doll or playdoh
17. What is your favorite season? summer or fall
18. Cherries or Blueberries? cherries
18. Do you want your friends to continue to post? sure:)
19. Who is the most likely to respond?
20. Who is least likely to respond?
21. Living arrangements? please ask me again in 6 months when I will be back in my townhouse ;)
22. When was the last time you cried? sometime last week
23. What is on the floor of your closet? shoes
24. Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending to?
25. What did you do last night? had a good jteam get-together
26. Plain, cheese, or spicy hamburgers? cheese
27. What are you most afraid of? having it all wrong
28. What is your favorite kind of dog? i've always said weimaraner... but i don't know now... maybe irish or airedale terrier or labs...
29. Favorite day of the week? yeah saturday :)
30. Diamonds or Pearls? pearls
31. What is your favorite flower? Callalillies
32. What is your favorite blog to read? I only really read Denise's and Kristen's, so theirs ;) I need to jump on the whole blog thing... or do I?

Free

2010-01-24T18:52:00.000-08:00

I don't have a long post for today... but what I wish I would remember day in and day out is: IT IS ABOUT GOD. NOT ME. IT IS ALL ABOUT HIM. THIS LIFE IS NOT REALLY MINE. IT IS HIS. IT WAS MEANT TO PRAISE HIM AND TO BRING HONOR TO HIM.

Can I remember that this week? Tomorrow? The rest of tonight? When I am talking with people? When I am frustrated over something that I think is so important? When I am alone? When I am having fun? When I am running? When I am driving? And on, and on, and on.

Someone I love is in a recovery program and he said that they just focus on the current day... "Can I get through TODAY without (fill in your vice)." He loves it, and apparently it is a great method to recovery.

So... maybe I can just focus on the moment, on today. Can I remember this hour, this moment that MY LIFE BELONGS TO GOD - EVERYTHING IS ABOUT HIM.

Books

2010-01-21T21:44:00.000-08:00

Totally unrelated to my last post, I'm listing all the books recommended to me to read the other day... mainly because I am too lazy to write them all down, and I need to save them somewhere so I won't forget them... :)

"The Eye of the World" Robert Jordon
"Sundays at Tiffanys" James Patterson
"Searching for God Knows What" Donald Miller
here's part of my skeptical delimma... I've heard his books can be a
little iffy... but what do I know if I haven't read it for myself?
Because then again, I read someone's book (MacArthur) who is very
different from Miller, and I started getting frustrated with that
person... so what's the deal... I need to remember - these are all
PEOPLE. This isn't God's Word itself... so I have to remind myself to
not put more emphasis on it anyway.
"The Pleasures of God" John Piper - don't think I've ever doubted him before...
"Death by Love" Mark Driscoll
Fiction by George Orwell
"Shantaram" - looked it up, and not even understanding where that book is going
"How People Grow" Cloud and Townsend
"Shattered Dreams" Larry Crabb - Katie D. described this one to me, and it may be my first choice.
"Everyone Poops" :) twice!
"The Shack" read it
Anything by Lori Copeland
"Water for Elephants"
"Something Borrowed" "Something Blue" Emily Griffin
"A Million Miles in a Thousand Years" Donald Miller again
"Slaughter House 5" what?
"The Pursuit of God" A.W. Tozer
"South of Broad" "The Help" Pat Conroy
"Redeeming Love" Francine Rivers - already one of my favorites
"Satisfy My Thirsty Soul"
and... a cook book.

:)

P.S. if these blogs give you any glimpse into my head - then you've already come to realize how over-analytical I am and how I might be clinically unstable. I should definitely be giving my brain at LEAST an 8-hour break at night.

Why Is It Bad When It's Good?

2010-01-21T20:51:00.000-08:00

I don't know what is going on lately, but I am in some kind of funk. Which is weird because nothing is going wrong. Things are actually really good. I'm excited about starting the new job. Just finished orientation today and now I'm ready to actually get in there and start doing some stuff! Everything else is really good... spending time with the people I love ALL THE TIME. Fun trips, fun nights, fun days, meaningful job. I am constantly grateful for the relationships all around me.
But, in the middle of all of this goodness, I am so skeptical. That is the one word I have been using to describe this 'condition,' or whatever you want to call it. It all boils down to spirituality and my relationship with Christ. I will always have a relationship with Him, but I have been ignoring it lately. I *hate* admitting that, but it's not like I'm going to pretend like it's normal when it's not. I despise being fake about God or trying to put on a good act.

I feel like Satan is tempting me and I am not doing anything about it... and I do not know why. I am skeptical about everything I read or hear about Christ (outside of the Bible). I am so judgemental of others - and how can I be judgemental EVER - ESPECIALLY when I'm in such a funk? I doubt churches and the reasons behind the things they do, I doubt some leaders that I know of (not where I attend), I doubt the kind of teaching I hear - not that I think anything wrong is being taught where I attend, but I am skeptical of different methods of teaching sometimes - which leads me to be really slack about listening. So when I could be hearing a great message, instead I'm trying to find something to pick-apart. That just isn't like me, I don't think. I doubt others' motives, constantly. I doubt the way some people 'do ministry' (which is such a typical modern religious term that I didn't know how to avoid just now, sorry). It's insane. I think I know some deeper places where this stems from - and in some ways, being skeptical is not always bad... but it has become more of a judgemental kind of thing, which is NOT good. It is keeping me from my own relationship with Christ and from trusting others who could otherwise be supporting my growth.

Or is it? Should I be skeptical of these things? Is there a fine line between being just skeptical enough and then going overboard and hindering my relationship with Christ? What should I be skeptical of?

Either way, I'm sure that God can bring good out of this season. I'm just ready to be in the next stage. I want to be SURE and I want to KNOW what to do.

I certainly have these desires to know more about Christ and way more about the Bible... but when I think about it, I get SO extremely overwhelmed and do not know where to even begin. I know I do not have the background knowledge to understand so many things in the Bible. I know there are books I can get and ways to study, but it's like I will not take the time to do any of that. Maybe it IS because I've been SO busy with the 'good' things in life. I really want to take Bible classes, and I have thought about signing up for some once I am settled in my new job... but am I supposed to wait until then to grow and learn? I'm sure I'm not. But in the meantime, I cannot, for the life of me, get motivated.

I don't even journal and pray like I used to. Every once in a while I journal, and I still pray every day, but not nearly as much as before. The closeness is not there right now, and I HATE that.

Why does it take a catastrophe to jump-start spiritual growth? It doesn't *have* to happen that way, does it? I hope not... but at the same time, if that is what it takes... am I open to that? Not that I would ask for something terrible to happen... but I do want lots of growth. And I do realize that sometimes growth comes through struggles. Ugh, I don't know.

Am I supposed to take practical steps for this? Am I supposed to force myself to read the Bible, even when I'm not paying very good attention? I know I can set aside more time to journal and pray, and I will do that... but for some reason, I hesitate at God's Word - I KNOW how terrible that sounds, yet I still do it. Because I am so frustrated that I will NOT understand it all. That's a huge part of it. So what to do?

As I'm typing, ideas come to mind... like maybe I will start focusing on passages that I already know and love. Psalm 139, James, some Philippians... maybe I will give that a try and just see if I can just focus on what I DO know and be reminded of THOSE promises... how could I not get closer to God if I am focusing on His Word?

Maybe typing this out was therapeutic. Who knows. If you read this and you pray, I'd love for someone else to pray for me about this. It is such a frustrating place. And, I truly do want God to do with my life what is BEST for Him... I know struggling is a part of everyone's life, and I know this is only a moment in time. But, I'd LOVE to get through it and get closer to Him.

Ugh - frustrating but honest.

Seek First...

2010-01-16T14:02:00.001-08:00

I was looking through my little zip drive thing (I think that's what it's called - it holds files and pictures, and I can take it in and out of computers...). Anyway, it has some old stuff on it from a few years ago, and it happened to have this journal entry from about 2 1/2 years ago. This was during the almost lowest point I've ever experienced, but I guess it is proof that God was working in my life even at that lowest part (ESPECIALLY at that lowest part). It just happens that this point in life was when I was working in Children's Ministry in Charleston - by no means do I want anyone to think that Children's Ministry caused me to be low - not at all... there were many other things on my plate that were disappointing and revealing and confusing to me at the time.
Anyway, reading this again, I had a hard time believing that I had any kind of clarity during that time because I was SO defeated and upset and confused... but God was obviously in perfect control and used all of that year (or two) for His purposes. Anyway, just thought I'd share! I feel like I haven't been as close to Christ as I was during those years since then... I want that closeness again. I certainly don't desire those hard times, but I really do want to be in that position of seeking Christ and solely trusting Him...

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Today, I came into the office about 9:45. I began journaling (I had done some earlier at the apartment). Then, I heard that there was a Staff Meeting at 10:15. Glad I got to work by 10! So, I didn’t have much time to do anything, so I think I read and wrote Philippians 4:6-7 a bunch. I have had such a hard time lately with everything going on. Totally brought on by myself… just to add. Anyway, I was really trying to focus on the phrase – Be anxious for NOTHING.
So then we had staff meeting, and Marshall presented a very powerful idea. That we get so wrapped up in seeking God FOR things, that we lose sight of seeking HIM. I know that every single thing I have heard lately has applied to my life. The things that Marshall spoke about this morning, the sermon that Woody gave Sunday morning, the message on Sunday night at the singles service, even the kids who I have been able to talk to with Marshall who are talking about accepting Christ. Their thoughts are so similar to mine it is crazy! I am amazed at the depth of this one little girl’s HONESTY about her faith and her struggle between her desire to know Him and her own selfish desires. And she is 9! And I am 25 and I am relating completely with her. It’s kind of funny but so great, too. It makes me wonder if everything really is connected and just goes down to ONE thing. I mean it seems that every single message, no matter what is spoken on, is relevant. I don’t know why I didn’t see this before. Or is it just that I am at such a “breaking” point, almost just a self-defeated kind of position where I need it ALL! And is “ALL” really just ONE thing – and that ONE thing is seeking Christ. And that is it. I do believe if I JUST set my sights on seeking Him, then every single thing left will fall into place.
It does feel good to say that. I don’t know why I make things so complicated. I put everything into it’s own category or perspective, and then I think I totally lose sight. I don’t know. It ALL comes down to seeking Christ. Matthew 6:32-33 – “For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.”
Before, I would have been drawn to “And all these things will be added to you,” thinking that THIS IS GREAT, If I just do this the right way, then “all these things will be added!” And it’s not wrong to pray for things that we think we need. And it is not wrong to pray for things that we even believe will work for the glory of God. BUT, “Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness.” That is the command. That should be my JOY to seek Him first. That is foremost. FIRST. Maybe I should carry around that with me and pull it out any and every time I take a breath!
I want to want it for the right reasons, too. Not to make myself feel better, but solely to seek Him. Because it brings Him glory. It honors Him.

What do I do?

2010-01-12T21:28:00.001-08:00

I probably explain my career an average of 5 times a week. Even friends I've known for years still don't seem to get what I do. So... here it is, straight from the Child Life Council Website:

"Child life specialists are trained professionals with expertise in helping children and their families overcome life’s most challenging events.

Armed with a strong background in child development and family systems, child life specialists promote effective coping through play, preparation, education, and self-expression activities. They provide emotional support for families, and encourage optimum development of children facing a broad range of challenging experiences, particularly those related to healthcare and hospitalization. Because they understand that a child’s wellbeing depends on the support of the family, child life specialists provide information, support and guidance to parents, siblings, and other family members. They also play a vital role in educating caregivers, administrators, and the general public about the needs of children under stress."

I would say that in most areas of Child Life, there is no 'typical' day. I worked on a General Pediatrics floor for a few years, and I would see patients with long-term or terminal illnesses along with patients who were there for constipation, seizures, asthma, developmental delays, kidney problems, etc. So, sometimes, for one child, my goal might be to just help them through getting their IV and make sure they have activities to do to make things more normal while they are in the hospital for a day or two. And other times, I might have a long-term goal of helping a child to understand his/her new diagnosis and to cope more effectively with treatments that will change the routine of their life or physical appearance. Sometimes, a CLS might be with a family who is grieving the upcoming death of a child, and ten minutes later might be playing Wii with another child. The CLS is there for whatever that child and family's social/emotional needs are.

I think it is a really cool and unique position to have. We don't do any kinds of medical procedures, we just help the child through those procedures. We use medical play to help the child understand better what they are experiencing. Sometimes, we use pretend doctors kits, and sometimes we use 'professional' dolls and real medical equipment to act out actual procedures. That is pretty fun. We make prep books that show kids what to expect during things like Surgery or getting a PICC Line (like an IV that stays with you for a while so you can get things like antibiotics over a period of time). We do therapeutic-type art and play activities to help children process through their experiences. We answer questions and sometimes predict the questions that kids just won't ask out loud. When I worked at MCG, I was in charge of the Special Events for the kids, so I would set up groups to come into the hospital to provide fun for the kids (magicians, scrapbooking, pet therapy, holiday parties, musicians, sports players, etc). So pretty much anything that would make the hospital a little more bearable is what Child Life is for ;)

Hopefully that explains it a little better for anyone who hasn't heard of Child Life or who just hasn't understood it. Maybe it is something that you have to see to 'get.'

On Monday (7 days from now), I will begin a new Child Life position at Doctor's Hospital in Augusta. Doctor's has the largest burn unit in the southeast, with children and adults being treated from 7 different states in the southeast. They have never had a Child Life program or a Child Life Specialist, so I will be explaining myself a lot to nurses and staff there! Thanksfully, the Burn Unit Director, Doctor and Nurse Practioner are very knowledgeable about Child Life and are excited to get a program started. Right now, the children who are served at Doctor's are placed in the same unit as the adults. I walked through the unit during my interview, and it is pretty scary. Just a really scary place for a kid to have to be. There is nothing child-friendly about it. Plus, they are in rooms right next to severly burned adults... which probably looks a lot like what you might expect it to look like.
The good news is that in the Fall, there will be a BRAND NEW 16-bed Pediatric Burn Unit - just for kids!!
I think I have a big job ahead of me, but it is really exciting. My friends from MCG and I have talked for years about how we wish Doctor's had a Child Life program for the kids in the burn unit. So, this has been a long time coming! Along with the burn unit, there is also a 9-bed general pediatrics floor that I will work with, too... so that should be a little more familiar to me ;)
I am really excited about the new position. I don't know exactly what to expect, but I know that even the little changes made in the beginning will go a long way. I really think it is going to be cool... hard and challenging, but really great. And, I'm SO grateful to have my Child Life friends in Augusta for support. They will be an invaluable resource, I know!
So, I plan to blog about this little journey on starting the program at Doctors. The good, bad and ugly... but hopefully mostly good :)

Coming Up

2009-12-30T08:57:00.001-08:00

I am so excited about the next few days. Tomorrow night I'm having a New Years party with some fun friends! Molly will be coming from Charleston to celebrate, which I'm excited about :)
Then, on Saturday, I am going to Passion in Atlanta with Denise and some people from my old church. I am SO excited to be able to listen to some of the most well-spoken speakers/preachers around now. I'm hoping to learn a lot and to start the New Year off by growing closer to Christ. John Piper, Francis Chan, Andy Stanley, Louie Giglio... and Christy Nockels singing! woohoo :) I'm also excited to take the trip with Denise! We live in the same town, but I don't get to catch up with her enough!
And then... one more week of work, and THEN a WEEK OFF before I start my new job! During that week, I am going to Raleigh to visit my friend Stacey (one of my Charleston buddies). I have not been able to visit her yet in the last year and a half, and I don't think I've seen her in 6 months!
Then, begins the new job. Crazy. I have a feeling I'll be pretty busy getting my feet wet in my new role, so I'm going to relax and have fun these next couple of weeks :)

A New Year

2009-12-29T22:12:00.000-08:00

As is typical of me, I was so against making any New Years resolutions this year - because 'that's the popular thing to do.' (I have issues and we will just leave that alone.)
Anyway, something changed over the last few weeks and I've been thinking about resolutions. I think I first started thinking about how great this past year has been. I truly am SOOO thankful for what God has done in my life this past year. The previous two years were the hardest years of my life, but I find it hard to complain about them now because my faith in Christ grew stronger than I ever knew it would. I also would not be right where I am today if all of that had not been a part of my life. But still, those years were so difficult and I wanted out of them so badly. At the beginning of this year, I was still coming out of a fog, so it didn't start out that great... but as the year kept going on, my life started getting brighter and brighter. I have made so many friends over this past year that mean so much! I know God placed us all in each others' lives to encourage and entertain :) each other. I have had so much fun with these new friends as well as my 'old' friends. I've just started to really realize how blessed my life is.

So anyway - what I am about to say is so frustrating to admit... but, as God has been making these changes in my life, I have sadly started to forget about how close God has been to me and how much He has done for me. I have not thanked Him or shown Him love like I wish I would have. I have become lazy in spending time with Him. All of these incredible insights and lessons I've had over the last year or so I have slowly been forgetting. For example, I read Crazy Love by Francis Chan earlier this year, and I was so amazed at the things that God brought to my attention. I wanted so badly to live simply (and coincidentally, this wasn't hard to do because I was making so very little money in my job at the time...) and I was again considering missions. I had such a passion for living genuinely for God and in intentionally moving closer to Him and further away from this world.
Now, I still completely agree with moving closer to Him and apart from the world, but it seems like that passion I had has lost some of it's spark. I don't know what caused the change - except to guess that it is because I have become so busy doing these fun things and filling my time with friends and events that I have neglected to spend time with God. I also have come to a better spot financially and I guess I have not felt the need to 'ask' God for help. This is terrible. I don't want to just come to Him for things like this. I mean, He can definitely help, but He didn't live and die just to cure my financial woes... ugh. Not at all.
So, needless to say, I am a little disappointed in myself and my devotion to Christ. I don't feel like I've 'fallen away' or whatever... I just think I've started to pay less attention to Him because my life is easier, to be honest. The sad thing is - HE IS THE ONE who made it this way for me! I should be thanking Him every time I take a breath.

So anyway - back to resolutions. It seems weird to make that a resolution... so really, I just hope that in 2010, I grow closer to Christ and that I intentionally seek Him. Not to just seek Him FOR something, but to simply SEEK HIM. I DO want to know so much more about Him and His Word. I want to feel Him. I want to KNOW Him. I want to love more. I want to understand more, and really to just be closer to Him. As part of this desire, I guess I would 'resolve' to stop over-committing myself and to slow my life down a little. To make sure I am not putting anything ahead of Him. This is not just a 'New Years' resolution, this is an everyday, all-the-time kind of resolution.

OK - now as far as an actual New Years Resolution... I am going to give up all drinks other than water, with a couple of exceptions. This may sound ridiculous, but I will allow myself to have an 'adult beverage' every now and then ;) for celebration purposes of course! And, I can have coffee every now and then. Really, the only time I drink coffee now is if I need some caffeine to drive to work in Columbia in the mornings... but pretty soon I will only be driving 5 minutes to work (YAY!!!) so I won't need that caffeine! Starbucks drinks are also OK rarely, when friends want to go out and get coffee. So... maybe I'm terrible at making resolutions because I just gave myself like 5 exceptions. Whatever. The main goal is just to stop drinking a lot of stuff like sodas and other drinks that are just full of crap with zero nutritional value.

Another vague resolution I have is to LIVE SIMPLY. This is going to be a gradual process. I have already begun thinking like this over the past couple of years, but it comes and goes sometimes. I think living in Charleston started my 'live simply' mode, but Crazy Love helped to spur on my desire! Basically, I will pay much more attention to the 'stuff' I have. I try to get rid of extra stuff that I don't really need or want on a semi-regular basis. I'd really like to just have what I need instead of accumulating a bunch of stuff I end up not wanting. It really is such a waste. I'd like to get on track budget-wise and spend my money in a way that pleases God and helps others, instead of accumulating 'treasures' for myself that will rust and fade away. I will think more about what I actually 'need' versus what I just 'want' or the fact that I just want to spend money... (yikes).

I can't think of any more resolutions. This is probably plenty to work with ;)

However - 2010 IS bringing me a BRAND NEW JOB! I will have LOTS going on in that arena of life. I'm excited about starting the Child Life program at Doctor's Burn Unit, but I really have no idea what it is going to be like. I'm preparing myself to be challenged and to face some difficult situations... BUT, I also think it is going to be really great and interesting. Even though it is still Child Life, it's definitely and new realm for me, in that it is mostly in a burn unit, AND that I will be starting a program from scratch - which means I get to look around and say, "Ooh, let's do THIS!" Should be fun ;)

Who knows what else this coming year will bring. If it is anything like 2009, then I am looking forward to it :)

No Other Way

2009-11-07T22:16:00.000-08:00

I can say it now
I always hoped I could somehow
But I had my doubts
In the moment, couldn’t figure it out
But now, I see, it’s right
What was dark is now so bright
My vision was so dim
Thought I’d lost what I’d never have again
And now, I am whole
Having reached this cherished goal
‘Thank You’ was hardly on my mind
With so many concerns that only bind
But, somehow along the way
You’ve allowed my mouth to say that
I am grateful that I failed
I am glad that I’ve known pain
It might seem strange to say
But I’d have it no other way
This path that’s led me here
I once wanted to disappear
But now, I see the beauty that You know
This life full of love, laughter, growth,
A heart of thanks, new joy and friends
For all Your ways, may my praise never end.

Right Now

2009-11-07T22:15:00.001-08:00

Right Now

Right now, I will be glad.
Right now, I will enjoy the moment.
Right now, I am where I am meant to be.
Right now, I am grateful for where I have been.
Right now, I can look forward to what is to come.
Right now, I will not miss what is here, right now.

I imagine the future. I imagine things I would like to have.
But, right now, have I missed out on something?
No, because right now is right where I was created to be.
I won’t let ‘right now’ slip away as I dream of ‘until then.’
Right now, I am grateful for all that I am blessed to possess.
I will use these blessing to return the favor.
I will seek and I will find.
I will serve and I will love.
Stagnant is a word I will never know personally.
I am a river, whose current is constantly shifting, but whose contents remain living water. Right now is where I am and where I want to be. Right now is where my joy lies.

Strength Itself

2009-11-07T22:05:00.000-08:00

I am so weak.
But it is when I am weak that I am strong.
It is not myself. It is You.
You are not only my strength, You are strength itself.
You are love. You are hope, truth.
You are not just an example of these things. You are all of these.

How do I fathom all You are? Where do I begin?
How is it that I believe You are all of these?
You are infinite, You are everything.

I need You. I need Your love. I need Your strength, Your truth,
Your goodness, Your grace, Your mercy, Your hope,
Your protection, Your salvation.
You supply these needs, but You are even more than this. You are all.

I need more. All the time.
I could have more, and I would need more.
And then, more.

One day, I will have all of You.
There will be no more ‘not enough.’
There will be no more questions, no more fear, no more doubt.
I will know. I will believe. I will see.
I will feel. I will be with You.
My life will be made complete in You.

Yet, this is not about me.
So rather, One day, You will be fully glorified.
Your holiness alone will exist.
The holiness You have always been will then be known fully.

My mind fails to comprehend. So I want to know more.
I need Your word. I need Your truth. I need You.

To You, My Friends

2009-11-07T22:04:00.002-08:00

I wish you well
I wish you peace
I wish your cares would be released
To the One who loves you most
The One who loves to keep you close

I hope your walls will be destroyed
For you, I wish not only joy
But happiness to fill your days
Even more than wishing, I will pray

I pray for comfort and for love
For a life that fits you like a glove
I pray He guides your every step
And when He does, that you accept

Good things He has in store for you
I imagine great things you will do
I hope that He surprises you
With a life you'd never dream to choose

Glory belongs to God above
Unending, unfailing, unfathomable love
I pray that you truly believe
This love He wants you to receive

Still

2009-11-07T22:04:00.001-08:00

Never before did I know what it meant to have my heart exposed.
Envelop, protect it; but let it blossom.

Bitterness is easy to find, I know this to be true.
Sweeten, refine, purify my heart.
Soften it to absorb everything, and still, remain buoyant.

To be grateful for good hardly requires effort.
To find gratitude amid wringing of the heart is where love and faith mature.

Without difficulty and desperation, how would any great measure of His faithfulness be known?

Still, it challenges me.
Heartaches change - new anxieties replace former doubts resolved.
Perfection has not found me.
Endurance, however, is mine; and He will provide and prove faithful over again.

Joy IS to be found.
Even happiness for the moment.
For every time I lay my head, and every time I wake, He is still with me!

You

2009-11-07T21:56:00.001-08:00

You are my strength.
You give me hope. You ARE my hope.
You LET me come to You. You listen to me.
You teach me.
You are patient with me. You are kind.
You never fail me.
You love me. You show me how to love.
You GIVE.
You GIVE.
You understand.
You know… it ALL.
You GIVE.
You ARE grace.
You give grace.
You forgive me.
You are holy, set apart from any other.
You are unending. You never grow old.
You have always been here. You will forever be here.
You are strong.

I do not know what You look like. I wonder. I imagine. I imagine that my vision is nowhere near the truth of Your existence. I know what I know now. I do not even know everything I know now. I will know later.

My knowledge is pieced out. Scattered images of a God I have not seen with my eyes. Yet I love Him and talk to Him and trust Him with my life. I do not always believe, but I believe He will help me to believe.

I can ask Him absolutely anything. I believe He already knows even the darkest, most embarrassing, tattered parts of my mind, heart, soul. He already knows, but I still will tell Him. A friend to tell my most inward secrets. A friend to share my every thought with. Every thought I hide even from myself at times. A friend, Who no matter what comes out of me, He still loves me, with the same love He loved me with before. Unfailing love, not dependent on right and wrong, good and bad, hard and easy. Love that is always in existence. With nothing I can do to change it.

"All These Things"

2009-11-07T21:46:00.000-08:00

God, You are good.

Your mercy DOES endure, Your grace IS enough. Just as I sing, You are all these things.

When I stop singing, You are still all these things.

When I forget to sing, You are still all these things.

When my mouth sings, but my heart is detached, You are still all these things.

I am fickle, I am weak. I love with condition. I crave what I do not have. I crave more of what I already have.

But,

I am not lost. I am never without hope. I am forgiven. I am glad.

Your grace covers all these weaknesses. You are my completion. You are everything it turns out I am seeking.

No matter the clenches I am in, just Your presence around and IN me fill me with a hope that I could not have placed there myself.

A hope that allows no bitterness. A hope that fights back what my nature wants to cling to so tightly. A hope that ALWAYS comes through. A hope that endures the challenges to bring about growth. Not just surviving, but growing.

A hope that stays through the hard and the good, not making hard times disappear, but bringing endurance and perseverance through it all, giving me a greater good.

I am so very human. You expect this of me. In fact, you created me this way. So why would I expect perfection of myself, or knock myself down for not reaching it? You do not shame me for my faults, why should I feel like I need to?

Not that I stand for status quo. I do strive to follow Your way. To live in Your light. To live apart from this world, but embracing the beloved souls in it.

You know where I will fall short. It is not a shock to You. This is why so long ago, You gave Your own life to save me.

My heart is far behind, but You are carrying it with You.

When I doubt, when I believe, when I desire, when I cry, when I hesitate, when I hurry, when I fall, when You lift me up, when I sleep, when I dream, when I wane, when I grow, when I know, when I don’t – You are still ALL these things.

2009-11-07T21:42:00.002-08:00

"More"

Ripening.

I see, feel, detect it in the course of my thoughts.

It comes not out of ease, but of ordeal; yet, at times it is agreeable to me.

What a revolution of the heart; but still, there is more.

When do I go from endlessly requesting of You to simply seeking You?

When will Your eminence be desired, rather than my desire to be satisfied?

When will I offer the consistency You deserve?

This I long for, but have not achieved.

You ARE sculpting me. I now know your presence more than before.

But still, there is more.

Haven’t I come so far, yet only begun?

At the same time recognizing more of Your love and less of my understanding.

I cannot grasp the measure of Your time. Your work is steady and endless.

I cannot comprehend the magnitude of Your thorough, abiding care.

Forgive me when my belief falls short of everything You are.

Weakness swells as my interest fades, but Your attention never fails.

.Oh, for You to receive Your worth of gratitude!

Grant Your strength, to create in me an endless longing for more.

With a continuous flood of sincere thanks for who You are.

End of Winter

2009-11-07T21:42:00.001-08:00

Winter is coming to an end
I feel the ice melting on my skin
My limbs and chest once tense for so long
From Winter’s chill, trying to stay warm.
Muscles now relaxed, my head moves side to side.
Eyelashes release falling icicles.
Green eyes open slowly, their weight, once so intense, has vanished.
I can see clearly ahead.
Once, my hands were clenched so tightly
Afraid to let go, as if I might break.
I release them, slowly, they are comfortable now.
My chest is weightless, its burden cannot be found.
My lungs expand and experience fresh air, as if for the first time.
They fill to capacity, no more incomplete, empty gasps.
They exhale a fresh breath of gratefulness and hope.
Anything is possible with this new freedom of movement,
Thanks to this change of season in my soul
That awakens my body from hibernation
And warms its layers in preparation for progress.

OUT OF THE PIT

2009-04-24T18:39:00.001-07:00

This might seem a little morose, but there is hope in the end! It's at least an honest picture of what I think it is like to feel stuck in a pit, trying to get out!

OUT OF THE PIT

Maybe you fell blindly. Maybe you helped yourself down all along.

Regardless, your feet touch the bottom and your heart sinks.

Desperation like you have never known overcomes your soul and mind.

Which is worse?

The isolated moment of finding yourself in implausible depth,

Or the countless others you spend snatching for your way out?

The sense of shock upon realizing where you are,

Or the futile clambering to escape?

Your first reaction: a frantic race to reach the top,

Wanting to be nowhere near where you are.

You raise your arm and lift your foot, searching for an edge to catch.

With just an inch to hold onto, you hoist yourself up.

You seem better off than when you began, and it might feel like progress.

You can’t be sure; but you keep on, wondering how many unfamiliar steps are left.

You seem upward-bound, but then…

Your foothold has vanished with no warning.

You didn't see it coming, but that does not keep you from descending, quickly.

Will you strike bottom again?

You were so careful, thinking that every step was best.

Everything was in the right place. You felt stable for that moment.

Yet you find yourself further away from solid ground,

And now with added disappointment for the failure.

Tired, defeated, you still desperately long for escape.

Weaker this time, you raise your limbs in another effort.

Again, all the strength you can collect thrusts you, almost too quickly, just a bit further.

You stubbornly push forward, though by now your hopes are reserved for the end.

Unsurprisingly, weakness overcomes, and you are, once again, plunging.

Which is worse?

That initial moment of finding yourself at the depth of the pit,

Or the innumerable frustrating, disappointing efforts of reaching the top in vain?

They leave you in pain, hopeless, as if you will never leave.

The dust, loosened from the walls by your scratching, begins to fill your lungs.

Breathing is a chore. Moving almost unthinkable.

What if He has been where you are striving to be all along?

Watching from above, holding His arm out in relief, asking you to take His hand.

You didn’t notice Him in the midst of all of your work.

You wondered where He was, but were too focused on the wall ahead of you to see.

You can’t imagine His arm being long enough to grasp your depths; you are too far.

But His ways are beyond yours. He is higher. He is deeper. He is enough.

No strength of your own is required.

You must only place your weary, mud-covered hand in His,

Knowing that He will lift you up and out of the desolate hollow.

You still observe the walls of the pit as you are lifted out,

But you are no longer striking yourself against them in fruitless attempt.

Give up your efforts and give in to your waning strength.

He grip is more firm, more perfect, more loving than is fathomable.

Your earthly mind finds such a simple, Heavenly rescue hard to believe.

You are not sure you even know how to simply raise a hand to His.

You may continue to attempt the climb in front of you,

Or you may relinquish the labor and accept the generous simplicity of His love.

being honest... :)

2009-04-23T19:47:00.000-07:00

I am about to put it out there... :)

I know that God is really working in my life. I'm sure that He always has been, but I've just noticed it and embraced it and begged for more over the past couple of years.

I feel like I have learned SO much through these years. I have grown and matured spiritually... but I am also so aware of how much more there is left to go. It seems like the more I grow, the more I realize how dumb I am. OK - dumb is a little harsh... lacking is a better term. I am lacking in A LOT. Motivation, gentleness, gossiping, faith, love... all of it.

I am pretty much a flip-flop. I can have such moments of clarity when all is good and I think I've really learned something and can apply it to my life. An hour later, I am disappointed and questioning why God has put me in such a position, and I have a hard time moving on past disappointment and confusion.

Not that my life is in any bad state. I have plenty to be grateful for. I have wonderful people in my life, I have been able to go new places, and I always seem to be looking forward to something. But, do you ever just seem to focus on what you DON'T have? I hate that. I really hate when I spend a LARGE portion of my time wondering when I will get what I am missing. Another big portion of the time I spend wondering what I even really desire out of life.

I am a single, 27 year-old girl. Most times, I actually like it a lot. It wouldn't be right for me to be married or with children at this point. I mean, I think I am ready (in my mind) to meet someone to love and spend life with, but I don't want to rush anything that isn't meant to be. I do recognize the beauty of this time I have right now, but I also hope to one day see the beauty of marriage. I think God made me the way I am for a reason. He made me to be single at this point for a good purpose. I wouldn't be the same and might not have experienced such growth if things were any different. Usually, I am proud of that, but sometimes I question it. Being single isn't a bad thing at all. I have been able to move away and make new friends, grow spiritually through some challenges in life that I faced because I was single.

But sometimes, being single is hard. If dating were not involved, being single would be a breeze. I would love it, like I did before I really dated much. What is hard is when you are dating someone, and you're going through all of the stages of wondering whether or not this is someone you want to be dating, and whether or not you could see yourself married to them, and if you have 'feelings' there, or if there is supposed to be a 'spark,' or if they feel the same way, or if feelings change, or if you are going to be heart-broken, or if this is really someone you should be spending time with... on and on and on are the thoughts that cross the mind when dating. Well, they cross MY mind. I'm guessing they cross many girls' minds.

Sometimes I envy my friends who met their husbands early on in life... like highschool or college. Not that things were easy for them - I know each came with its own challenges. But to be over with the dating and the unsuredness of it all (is that a word?) - I am jealous of that. Maybe now I understand why my old youth pastor wanted to get us to read the book, "I Kissed Dating Goodbye." ;)

Really, I'm sort-of kidding. Dating must be a good thing if it can lead to marriage. I'm sure that when it's right, it's good :) Plus, even if things don't work out, dating truly can be fun. I'm just saying that it also is complicated, and I look forward to the day when I don't do it anymore!

As much as I desire marriage one day... I still sometimes wonder if that is what I really do want? It is a very definite thing, marriage. Sometimes I am scared to be too settled. Maybe I want to make sure I marry someone who is not sooo settled in their ways that they never want to move or try something new. I have often thought about ministry, missions, and things like that. Is that something I really desire to do one day - and if so, can I do it if I am married? Can I just up and go? Only if my husband is into the same thing and desires it as well. So many questions I have. I'm so unsure about my own goals and desires for my life that it is hard to imagine what kind of life I'd like with another person.

I know that I analyze things too much, but I'm not sure how to NOT do that! I realize that I make things complicated for myself. :) At least I can smile about it!

I will say this. Being single IS a blessing. I wish the single girls out there really believed it. I wish I believed it 100% of the time. I believe that God has a good purpose for single people. We do not need to waste our lives waiting to do something because we aren't married yet. I would say that in my life, more than half of the 'stress' of being single is related to the stigma that society puts on 'singleness.' If society (specifically, conservative, and often religious society) didn't make it seem so wrong to "still be single," then I would have hardly any qualms with being single. I would love to not let that stigma affect me in any way. Of course, there are moments that come every now and then when I just feel like I want to be held by someone who loves me. I just really want that someone to be there... but to be completely honest, those moments come and go pretty quickly. Those are things that I can always move past because my life is full of love in many other ways, and my life is full of activity and LIFE. So, while those moments can affect me at random times, they do not play a big part in my love or dislike of being single. The things society tries to get us to believe are far more effective in making me discontent than any random moment of lonliness. (For me, anyway).

Lots of people say, "So a girl like you, you're STILL single?" While I realize it is complimentary in some ways - it just doesn't do much for me. I'm just like, "Yep. That's right." But what I want to say is, "Is there something wrong with me STILL being single?" Maybe next time I will say that. :) Or maybe I'll just go into my long explanation of how I know that God has purposed my life in this way, and that He has me right where He wants me, but when the time comes for marriage, it will be right! :) I know in my right mind that this is true, but it is our culture that challenges my knowledge on that and makes me question it sometimes. Maybe one day it will not challenge me anymore, and my faith in God will stand above all of it.

I get irritated when I hear that some friends' mothers are pushing them to date any available 'nice Christian guy' that is around. I understand that mothers want their daughters to be happy, but maybe their daughters ARE happy. Or maybe they WOULD BE happy if they didn't feel like it was a mistake that they are single. That is truly how it can feel sometimes when you let others get to you, and that is unnecessary. Sometimes I want to say to mothers, "Maybe instead of just praying for your daughter to meet the man of her dreams as soon as possible, start praying for her to find her purpose and the beauty in being single right now so that she is living her life abundantly now and in every part of her life...because EVERY part of her life, especially RIGHT NOW counts."

There are so many things that I know to be true of God. And, if I believed them all 100% of the time, then life would be nearly perfect. Our culture can really have a bad influence on what I know to be true. I know that is Satan attacking. I have to remind myself of that. This is just how life works.

Whether you are married or single or divorced or going through separation or divorce, God does have a purpose for your life. It is no less purposeful or no more purposeful than anyone else's life, despite how society may influence you to think and feel. And there is no waiting around for the right time - the time is NOW. He has a purpose for your entire life. I want to start living and discovering His purpose right now and continually, in every part of my life. I don't want to fall into the temptation of listening to and believing what mainstream society and even some people in my own personal life tell me about being single or being married for that matter. I want to keep my eyes focused on God's plan for my life. His GOOD plan for ALL of my life. And I'd like to remember that His purpose includes making His goodness known above anything else.

It is easy to type this stuff, harder to live it. Hopefully, I have been transparent enough to explain that I often hit both ends of the spectrum... struggling with singleness, but also loving it and trying not to 'escape it' just because I think I might be missing something at times. And I would like for anyone to remind me of HIS truths when I do have those moments of unbelief.

"Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief." Mark 9:24

Oops

2009-01-09T21:23:00.001-08:00

Well, I kind of forgot that I had this blog! Really who is reading it anyway :) Sadly, though, after all this time, I can't think of anything great to say. Not that I did before... God gives great insights all the time, and I love when He gives me things like that. He has done it so much, but unfortunately, I feel like I enjoy it in the moment, and then I have to be re-taught the same thing over and over again. That is life... for me, anyway.
I will say how grateful I am to have the friends I have in life. I find it hard to be grateful sometimes, which is ridiculous, because I know that I have an infinite amount of things to be grateful for. But, even so, I am still so selfish and often miss the most important things. Anyway, lately, God has let me realize how much He has blessed me by giving me such great friends. I have always had a lot of friends from different areas of life... growing up, church, college, sports, etc. Now, I have friends in Charleston and new friends I've made since moving back to Augusta.
Soon before I left for college, I remember praying that God would give me Christian friends, as sort of an accountability. I knew it was easy to lose sight of Him away from home in a new, fun, more independent place, so I prayed that He would give me good friends to keep me on track. And looking back, I can't believe how clearly He answered that prayer. Not only in college did I have good Christian friends, but ever since then, I have never had a shortage. Even some the friendships I had growing up have become more strongly based on Christ. And now, of course, I have my Charleston friends to add to that list. When I lived in Charleston, I never knew a group of young people existed like that. I had never been around a group of people so genuinely seeking Christ whole-heartedly. It was and is still such an encouragement. Don't get me wrong, I have friends who are not Christians, and these are some great friendships, too. I am grateful for them! But, there is something extra-special about friendships that are grounded in Christ. Not just two Christians who are friends... but two friends who talk about and encourage each other's spiritual growth. That is serious friendship :)
I just realized how great these friendships are last weekend when I went to Charleston for New Years. Before we went to bed each night, Molly and I sat down and she read to me some excerpts from a new book of hers, "Hope." We talked about our faith and our struggles and our hopes and our good times. Then, we both started reading our favorite scriptures to each other. It was so encouraging. I don't have many friends I have been that open about my faith with, but I am SO grateful for this part of friendship. It is so comforting to have friends who share the same beliefs and the same desires as far as living for Christ goes.
So I guess I had something to write about after all.
I really love my friends! I hope not only that we remain friends, but I hope the friendships grow. This is truly my prayer for my friends:
"I pray for you constantly, asking God, the glorious Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, to give you spiritual wisdom and understanding, so that you might grow in your knowledge of God. I pray that your hearts will be flooded with light, so that you can understand the wonderful future He has promised to those He called."
Ephesians 1:17-18
By the way, most of my friends don't even know what a blog really is, so they definitely aren't reading this...I guess that means I'll have to tell them in person how much their friendship means, haha. But for the ones who do and can read this, I love you :)

Labor Day

2008-09-01T18:29:00.000-07:00

Here is the one picture from this weekend that was taken! We need to be better about that. I am SO glad I went to Charleston this weekend. We had such a good time! It's funny how much things change in a year. Emory was in New Orleans all year and now she's back in Charleston. Molly's still in Charleston. Woody is full-time at seminary in Kentucky now. Stacey is in Arizona, and I'm back in Georgia. All it took was a year for us to form these friendships, so even though we're in different places now, we'll still be able to stay close and have really good friends to keep up with :) Plus all the other friends that we didn't take pictures with this weekend, ha.

2008-08-31T15:10:00.001-07:00

I'm in Charleston this weekend, YAY! I've missed it a lot (go figure!) We had a great beach day and we went to church this morning. I have missed being there for Sunday mornings - it's especially nice to be able to just go to the service and relax during the worship service. We have City Life tonight and then Stacey comes, so we all get to hang out until whenever I leave to go back to Augusta tomorrow!
Anyway, here are some pictures I stole from Molly's computer from this past year :)

CHRISTMAS

ROOMMATES

BAPTISM AT THE BEACH

KAMINSKYS

He Set My Feet Upon A Rock

2008-08-20T13:52:00.000-07:00

I waited patiently for the Lord;
And He inclined to me and heard my cry.
He brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the miry clay,
And He set my feet upon a rock making my footsteps firm.
He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God;
Many will see and fear And will trust in the Lord.

How blessed is the man who has made the Lord his trust,
And has not turned to the proud, nor to those who lapse into falsehood.
Many, O Lord my God, are the wonders which You have done,
And Your thoughts toward us;
There is none to compare with You.
If I would declare and speak of them,
They would be too numerous to count.

You, O Lord, will not withhold Your compassion from me;
Your lovingkindness and Your truth will continually preserve me.
For evils beyond number have surrounded me;
My iniquities have overtaken me, so that I am not able to see;
They are more numerous than the hairs of my head,
And my heart has failed me.

Be pleased, O Lord, to deliver me;
Make haste, O Lord, to help me.
Let those be ashamed and humiliated together
Who seek my life to destroy it;
Let those be turned back and dishonored
Who delight in my hurt.
Let those be appalled because of their shame
Who say to me "Aha, aha!"

Let all who seek You rejoice and be glad in You;
Let those who love Your salvation say continually,
"The Lord be magnified!"
Since I am afflicated and needy,
Let the Lord be mindful of me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
Do not delay, O my God.

PSALM 40: 1-5, 11-17

Being

2008-08-13T18:20:00.000-07:00

"You don't have a soul, you are a soul. You have a body." -C.S. Lewis

"There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered." -Nelson Mandela

You Are Good / Every Season

2008-08-12T21:33:00.000-07:00

"In this world you will have trouble. But take courage. I have overcome the world."
John 16:33

"Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus."
1 Thessalonians 5:18

"For the Lord God is a sun and shield. The Lord gives grace and glory; He does not withhold the good from those who live with integrity."
Psalm 84:11

"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them."
Romans 8:28

"I am counting on the Lord; yes, I am counting on Him. I have put my hope in His word."
Psalm 130:5

"Yet I am confident I will see the Lord's goodness while I am here in the land of the living. Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord."
Psalm 27:13-14

"This vision is for a future time. It describes the end, and it will be fulfilled. If it seems slow in coming, wait patiently, for it will surely take place. It will not be delayed."
Habakkuk 2:3

"Your strength will come from settling down in complete dependence on me."
Isaiah 30:15

Here are two songs I love that are good examples of God being with us in EVERY situation.

"YOU ARE GOOD"

"EVERY SEASON"

Child Life

2008-08-12T21:12:00.000-07:00

Maybe I just appreciate this because I was in Child Life, but this video is great. It is a boy who has cancer - telling his story as "Julius Caesar." He goes through all the things he has had to face... it's just really interesting to see this kid act everything out. He's pretty funny, too! A Child Life Specialist was helping him make the video.

Can't Run Away

2008-08-07T19:21:00.001-07:00

There is this song I heard today by Bethany Dillon, and the first line is something about running around the room and running outside and back inside and never being able to run away from yourself.

And that made me think about how weird it is that we never get to get away from ourselves. I don't think there is one person on earth that we could spend every waking moment with. I mean husbands and wives love each other, and parents love children, but even they have to spend some time apart during the day or whatever - or else we'd go crazy.

BUT - we'd better like ourselves, because we NEVER get a break from ourselves. To me, that is really weird! I mean, I have had some moments where I just want to pull my brain out of my head and stop thinking and get out of my head, but of course it's not possible. But don't you just sometimes want to get away from yourself? Maybe that's why some people get so crazy sometimes - they can't handle themselves, but then they can't get away from themselves either!

I've never really thought about getting out of my body and life and personality - I guess because it's not possible at all... I think it would be really weird, but a nice break!

We have to live with our personality ALL the time - when we wake up, when we go to bed, when we are having a bad day, so it would behoove us to have a good personality and a positive outlook on life because otherwise it would SUCK to live with yourself!

All these thoughts from one song I heard today. It is interesting, though. Usually, if I am really frustrated about someone who is extremely rude or mean or whatever, I remind myself that they have to live with themselves. It just makes me realize how difficult it really would be to be someone who is mean or negative or lazy or whatever - because I believe deep down no one wants to be that way - but they have let themselves become that way for some reason, whether it's to deal with something in their life or to shield themselves from other rude people - who knows... but it makes me sad for the person, because they have to live with themselves day in and day out - and that can't be pretty. Sometimes that makes me have more sympathy for those people, and sometimes, for a short minute, it makes me feel secretly happy that they have to live with themselves - I hate to admit that last part, but I'm just being honest. Mostly, I hope that I realize that these people need prayer and God's presence in their lives even more so that I can be a better friend.

So, I guess some good advice would be that since you can't run away from yourself - you might as well try to work on yourself so that you are more fun to live with - because it's not gonna change unless you do!

VBS

2008-06-17T19:02:00.001-07:00

This week is VBS - Outrigger Island. It has been a smooth week so far! I think the biggest (and by biggest I mean nerve-wracking) day was Monday, and everything is a little easier now that I know what to expect. We had about 35 kids originally signed up for VBS, and we have had about 53 kids each day so far...where did they come from? :) They are too cute - it really has been fun. Here are some pics from the week so far.

Rose, who works in the church office, and I are a kind of proud of the "Outrigger Island" banner we made. OK really I had nothing to do with it except help paint it. She drew the logo perfectly!

4 year olds swinging a stick at a pinata... that was a scary moment.

Sunrise

2008-06-10T20:51:00.000-07:00

I just came across these pictures from Easter this year. It was very pretty, so I thought I'd post it. This was from First Baptist's Easter Sunrise Service at the Battery.

Like a Watered Garden

2008-02-06T10:21:00.000-08:00

"If you pour yourself out for the hungry and satisfy the desire of the afflicted, then shall your light rise in the darkness and your gloom be as the noonday. And the Lord will guide you continually and satisfy your desire in scorched places and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail."
Isaiah 58:10-11

The First

2008-02-04T20:55:00.000-08:00

I just decided to do this tonight. I used to have myspace and would post a few things on there... but the whole myspace thing just became too much for me. But, I still enjoy writing out the things that are on my mind, so I guess an official "blog" is the next step :) We'll see how far this goes anyway!