no regrets

A lot of times, I wonder, "What if, at the end of my life, I learn that I've had it all wrong?" Like, what if I had the wrong idea of what I was supposed to do with my life, of how I spent my time, or of what pleases God when it comes to all of these political debates, or whatever. 

And today, I realized: as long as I'm loving God and loving other people, what is there to regret?? He knows me - he knows what I don't understand and what I really desire. I don't even know myself that well, but he does. He does not expect anyone of us to be perfect, and we shouldn't expect that of ourselves or of each other. 

Don't I believe God is grace? Is that just a cute saying, or do I really believe He is gracious enough to not expect me to be perfect, but to love me anyway and to welcome me to Him even if I didn't quite understand it all? Even bigger: do I believe the same thing is true for people who aren't like me? 

Didn't He tell us, above anything else, to love Him and to love our neighbors? Yes, He did. So, here's to no regrets - here's to not having to be on the right or wrong end of politics, here's to loving others not because they are on one particular side of a debate, but just loving them because they are people and because God said to do it. And here is to becoming more aware of the people around me and really loving all people, not just the ones in my contact list.

dating and green grass

Maybe it was the guy who grilled me on a first-interview (I mean, a first-date) on my thoughts on abortion and other political hot-topics. I mean, that was less fun than my political science course at UGA. Or, the guy who, within an hour of meeting me started calling me "babe" and holding my waist as if I didn't know how to walk around all my life before meeting him. That was less fun than going to the dentist, and I fear dentist visits. So, that date was less fun than fear... Or, it could be that time when the guy I was dating, on Valentine's day, took a detour to the grocery store to get his mom some chocolates (very sweet) - OH, AND we went to get his 20-year-old beautiful best friend a box of chocolates, too, so we could deliver them. <-- sorry to that guy if he ever reads this. I'm not naming names. He's a really great person, but can we all agree that THAT was weird... and embarrassing. Oh, and there is always that first-date when the nice med student asked me if I'd ever been to New England, and I said, "Oh, no... I've never actually been out of the country." My bad. I was terribly young and not well-traveled (I think that's obvious). OH - AND, the guy on the dating website (yes, I did that) that just wanted to go ahead and let everyone know upfront that....... he's married. WELCOME to dating in the 21st century. Oh yeah --- I almost forgot about the time I was hanging out with a date and staring at his ex-girlfriend's picture the whole time. 

So, someone ask me again: "Why don't you like dating?" Are any of my married-with-children friends still jealous of all of my glorious freedom?? I was actually trying to be silly and funny when I started writing this --- and now, I'm afraid people might be sad for me? :) Truly, I laugh at every one of these things, NOW. I might not have then, but I definitely add them to the list of "reasons I'm single" and "things that make me, me." I was remembering all of these things because I was thinking about how a lot of people, probably women specifically, seem to think the grass is greener on the other side. I've definitely had a few remarks made in my direction about how nice it must be that I can just drop what I'm doing and grab lunch with a friend. Or, how nice that I can go off for the weekend without any worries. I've even been confronted about how much time I spend with one group of friends vs. another. No one said it in any obvious harsh way to flat-out criticize me, but it definitely made an impression.  Now, I'm not talking about my friend Molly, who openly tells me how we need to just trade lives for a day (she and I joke and talk real life - there's no sneaky snake talk there). But, I'm talking about when people say things with something like a backhanded slap. A sneaking-around-the-corner way of trying to, I don't know, make me feel bad for not having a family of my own? For spending my time how I want to spend my time? I used to just think, "I guess they're just jealous," and brush that kind of thing off. But, I'm actually not that strong. It started to annoy me. For a second, I even let someone else's feelings affect mine, and I actually started thinking, "AM I a selfish person just because I'm single?" Once I realized I was actually allowing another person's feelings to affect my own, then I started thinking about what was really happening. And, here's my theory. So many of us are so insecure and can't allow ourselves to be content with our own lives. It's not just simply that some married-with-children friends are jealous that their single friends have more free time to do with as they choose. I don't think they LIKE to think that we're all selfish people because we're single and because we like having friends and doing fun things. I'm not going to try to defend myself of being selfish, because I do think I'm selfish. I think we are all (married and single) pretty selfish when we look at many of our true motives for the things we do and say. But, I think some married people occasionally want something different for just a minute, or they feel like they are missing out. And, they want a little more freedom in their own lives for just a little while. Who wouldn't? They don't not want their families - they just get bogged down, and they maybe want a small taste of what they think it is that we have. That sounds healthy and normal to me --- until you make someone feel guilty for leading the life they are given. That's where insecurities can get nasty. 

Same thing goes for single people. Plenty of single people are jealous of married people. And, it's not just that they're jealous, end of story. It's that they see what someone else has, and they feel like they are missing out. Like they aren't receiving as many blessings as someone else and that it isn't fair. To which I say - you've just gotta get over that thought process. Some single people desperately feel the need to be loved by someone else and would do almost anything to have the kind of love that they imagine other people have. Some single people feel like they are "less than" enough because they don't have a family of their own. Like they are not enough or have no purpose of their own. That kind of thinking makes me so sad. I'm a big believer in YOU ARE ENOUGH. Actually, God is enough for you. I'm sure that sounds so very Christian cliché, but if you believed it - you would know what I mean. YES, desire marriage, desire love, desire a family --- but don't desire it because you think you aren't enough on your own. Lies. I'm (not) sorry to break it to you, but YOU CAN'T HAVE IT ALL. At least not until you realize that you don't have to have it all, to have it all. Make sense?! It's just a fact of life that no one wants to come to terms with. You can certainly have enough --- but we're never happy with enough. We want MORE. We're always wanting what we don't have. Would any happily married people who get a twinge of single-freedom jealousy want to leave behind the family they've worked so hard to create to live a single life like me??? NO. I seriously thought about this question from the single-end of things, and thought, "would any single person want to leave behind their single life and be married," and the answer is, I think, yes. You're losing some freedom, yes, but you're not losing anyone - you're gaining. So this question doesn't work as well as I was hoping it would. But, if I tweak the question a bit, the truth is: Would I ever leave behind my life to live the same life that someone else has? NO! I cannot think of one person in my life that I know that I would want to live exactly like. That is the beauty of having your own God-given life. It's your unique life. I would never trade my life in for someone else's. Not that my friends' lives look bad or less-than at all... but it's not mine. It isn't just right for me. It wasn't meant to be mine, and I wouldn't be happy with it. Not even to be someone who was rich, had a perfectly loving family with just the right balance of everything, a job that I love, with no concerns in the world. I wouldn't desire this --- because I know IT DOESN'T EXIST. There is no perfect example out there that we can reach on this earth. Sure, there are families and couples and single people that make it look easy - but no one's life is worth trading your own. Everyone has to do the best with the life they are given. Mainly because, that's just how life is and Freaky Friday and The Change Up are just movies. And we have to find the best parts of the life we're given. I realize that is easy for a girl in my position to say - someone with a loving family, the best friends, enough faith to keep me going, with all of my needs met. It is harder to imagine for the person who is down on their luck - who has lost a job, can't pay their bills, for someone who is living in a battered women's shelter, a child who is shuffled around in foster care. Do I believe there are bright spots in their lives as well? I honestly do, though I would not judge them for not noticing or caring much about them in their current position. And, this leads me to what I think would help us all with our insecurities and our comparisons and our jealousy: do something for the people I mentioned in the last few sentences. Put a little focus outside of your own family and friends, and on those people who really struggle with the basic necessities of life that we easily take for granted. Those things that most of us have without even thinking about it, whether we are single or married: shelter, food, clothing, love, protection. Stop focusing on what we don't have enough of and what others have more of, and start giving what you DO have to those who have actual, tangible reasons to feel needy. They could probably teach us more than we could give them. And, we may even start to appreciate all the things we already have a little more.

Be The Hands And Feet

Just wanted to share a blog with anyone who hasn't seen this yet. It's called Be The Hands And Feet. From what I understand, this ministry was started by a girl when she was 18 or so (I might be making that up), and they take care of orphans in Uganda. I love reading their stories. Some are very sad, but it is so eye-opening (heart-opening). Anyone want to go with me one day??? haha.
Also, there is another blog called Sarah's Covenant Homes (or something like that, you can look it up on my page). This ministry is in India. They have so many kids in their home with such a variety of developmental and medical issues. I think a lot of the kids are left abandoned because of their conditions. The writer of the blog (and I assume she is the creator of the ministry), is not a medical professional, but she, along with all of the others in the ministry, is able to give the kids the care they need at home, and they are able to take the kids to the doctors and specialists they need. I guess they raise money through the blog and through other means to pay for the surgeries that the kids need. It's awesome.
I am inspired by these women who dedicate their lives to serve these people in other, remote places.
I have heard that miracles are more present in places like these, where there may be less distraction and more reliance on God for all needs. I want to see that!! I always believe that God can do and heal ANYTHING and make seemingly impossible things become possible. I know He does that here, too, but I wonder if a whole new perspective would be gained in somewhere like Uganda or India.

Iron

Over the last few months, I've been so tired. I have slacked on exercising, and I have not been doing as much stuff after work as I usually do. Mainly, I've been working and taking naps. I didn't know what the problem was. I was hoping that I didn't just all of a sudden become a lazy person! Sometimes, I'd drive home from work and think that I really need to exercise that day... at least go for a walk. And then, I'd see someone on the street walking, and I would just think, whew I couldn't even do THAT right now. I felt like my legs were weak just thinking about walking. How crazy! That just didn't seem like me. Earlier this year I was running semi-regularly, to get ready for a long race, so I was staying pretty active. Now, I couldn't even THINK about even taking a walk.
So, I felt like I should set up a doctors appointment, but I just kept putting it off. I don't like medicine and I don't necessarily like going to the doctor.
Well, eventually, I set up that doctors appointment, which was yesterday.
3 hours after I walk into the office, I leave, with one prescription for every hour I was there!
Turns out that I do have a low blood count, anemia, so I need to take an iron supplement and change my diet. I'm glad it can be treated like that, but to be honest, I don't like having to think so much about my diet. I don't eat terribly as it is, though I could use some adjusting. I don't eat much fried food, maybe once/week, and I try to limit myself on snacks and sweets and stuff like that... but I do love sweets. But, I guess I don't eat enough of the RIGHT stuff, like vegetables and meats, etc. Now, I'm going to need to really concentrate on getting enough greens and meats into my diet I guess, if I want to have any energy.
Anyway, I also needed an antibiotic for a small infection, and the doctor thinks I have a hormone imbalance, so she prescribed a birth-control pill to control that. I didn't really understand all of that, but I'm thinking it will help my 'monthly happenings' to be a little less achy, so I'm ok with that!
So... I guess I was due for a doctors appointment. I am glad to finally have something to try to get my energy back. I HATE feeling so tired. I feel so lazy. So, hopefully with this Iron, and then with the other meds, I'll start feeling like new! If not, she'll check my thyroid in a few months... but I'm counting on all of this new 'stuff' to work!
Oh, she also recommended a specific soap for my face. I'm not gonna lie, I didn't not come out of that doctors appointment with a very good self-image. First, she tells me that I am pale (probably due to the anemia), and then she points out the darker color of the hair on my arms and says that's due to a little hormone imbalance, AND she keeps asking me about acne... thanks, lady!? Haha. Just kidding, she was pretty nice and I'm glad she was willing to help me with taking care of all my issues!
Now, I'm hoping that Iron kicks in before Saturday - I've got a MUD RUN to do!

2nd Birthday

Tomorrow, someone special to me is celebrating their 2nd Birthday! Not a regular birthday, but a day to recognize 2 years of sobriety. Since it's called Alcoholics ANONYMOUS, I guess I won't give the person's name. If you know me well, then you know who it is, and I'm sure he doesn't mind anyone knowing anyway. In fact, he loves to share his story.

I can't even properly express how proud I am of this person. He's always been a loving, funny, caring person. Thankfully, alcoholism didn't take these perfect qualities away from him... and again, thankfully, sobriety didn't change these characteristics either. He is still the same, hilarious, goofy, sweet, sarcastic person I knew before. But now, he actually cares about his own life and what his purpose in life is. He has been able to look at life clearly, and not just live life day-to-day with the same routine of work, home, drink, recover, work, drink, home, drink, recover, etc... with the ocassional desire to change but never really doing anything about it.

Now, he is so thoughtful about what he is doing, how he is treating people, the decisions he is making... and coincidentally, things in his life seem to be much smoother than they were before. He shows up to get-togethers actually wanting to be there and wanting to spend time with family and friends.

I am SO glad that he came to the decision to make this change in his life. He will admit that it wasn't easy - but he will also admit that making the change was SO much better than he ever thought it would be. While he was in that cloud of drinking (to forget, to get through something, to relax, whatever his reasons), he couldn't imagine giving it up completely - how lame, how dumb, what was wrong with getting drunk anyway, it's not like he was a raging alcoholic...any excuse he could think of, I'm sure - he couldn't see the real benefits of quitting compeltely. I think it sounded like more work to him than it should be, or that it couldn't be 'that much better.' But, he found out in little time that it was the best thing for him. It cleared his mind and heart, it allowed him to actually deal with the issues that were deep inside, and it helped him to forgive (others, himself, whoever) and to look to God to show him how to live.

You can tell how much happier he is. You can tell where his priorities lie. And he still is the same person, in a way, in all the right ways. It didn't make him less funny or less fun or anything like that. It made him better in every sense.

I am so proud. And so happy. Sobriety has made him truly seek and know who Christ is. We have more conversations than I've had with most people about God and his purposes and our purposes in God's plan. He has it all. I think he trusts Christ a lot more than some people I know who have claimed to trust Christ for years. At least his life and attitude show it.

This has been prayed for by his family members for years... and I think it is the perfect testament to others to prove that prayer works, and that God does listen, and He CAN change people - note - I said HE can change people in this way, WE DON'T change them. I do believe the individual person has to come to the point or decision where they are willing to give something up in order to make this change - and once they make the decision, then God is there all the way. The verse that says, "Raise up a child in the way he should go, and he shall not depart from it," or something like that - it is true. They will come back to Christ. That gives me hope for others that I've known that are in a place like this person was. I believe that God can and wants to bring all of His children back to Him. So, given God's timing and good purpose, they will come back to Him. I believe it.

you can change your mind

A quick blog to say that... one of the biggest things that keeps me excited about life (besides just everything about God and how he completes my life) is the fact that I am not confined to anything. Nothing says that I can't change my mind and have a new career. Nothing says that I can't move to wherever I want to move. At any point in time.

Now, do I need to be responsible about these choices? YES! Personally, for me, I have a lot of things that I want to pay off (hence one of the previous blogs about debt elimination). So, yes, I want to take care of that before I make any changes, if I decide to make them. But, that is completely in my control. I can make that decision, conquer that goal, and choose to take a new path in life.

That, to me, makes life so interesting and open and unpredictable. I love it.

The one thing that I have not figured out is if I would still have this freedom to change if I were married. And maybe that is a good reason I am not married yet. Two people are involved in marriage (unless you are on Big Love), and one person doesn't just decide to jump up and move without considering the other person's desires (well, not if you love each other, that is).

I could be in trouble one day - this is the thing that makes me nervous about that kind of life-commitment. All I know is that if that time ever comes - I'd better either be very settled in where I am, or I'd better wait for someone who is just as open to 'change' as I am.

Right now, and hopefully always, I am open and excited to see life unfold... and hopefully will enjoy all the steps to every new chapter.

Loving the chapter I'm in right now... if it were a movie, I feel like I'm at the beginning of my 'montage.' :)

a (busy) day in the life...

Look at this - a THIRD post in one week... :)

I just thought I'd talk a little bit about work today. Today was such a busy day, and I love these days the best. I always feel a little guilty saying that, seeing as how I work in a hospital - and a busy day for me means that people are sick or in pain or having to have surgery or procedures... not good!

Anyway, on with the day. I work in the Burn Clinic in the mornings, and lately there have not been so many kids. However, today made up for the entire week! I think the most interesting thing I saw today was a little girl having her head scanned so that a mask can be made for her. This mask is used to cover the burn scars on her face. Putting pressure on those scars with a mask help to keep the scars from building up and becoming thick. Anyway, the process was so unique and interesting. The PT (side note: I love the girls in PT that I get to work with - they always let observe new things they are doing and let me know when there are kids that could use help , too!) Anyway, they have this computer attached to a scanner - the scanner looks just like one in a store. She scans the person's face all over, and the person's image appears on the screen in 3D (4D?). She did this a few times to make sure that a good complete picture was made. Then she sends all of those scans in to a company that makes the mold for the mask. When it comes back to the hospital here, they can melt plastic over the mold and fit the mask to the person's face. Technology is crazy! (And expensive, by the way)
Well, the little patient today did SO WELL. She held so still and I think she even liked it :) When she first came into the clinic, she was scared and didn't want anyone to come near her, because she knows exactly what kinds of things happen in the clinic (dressing changes, blood pressure, things that 3 year olds don't like). But, we showed her exactly what the scanner did, and she thought it was pretty neat. She was so cute.

There were many other patients in the clinic which kept me pretty busy. One child had an MRSA abscess. Usually, people with these will have surgery, so the infection is removed from inside and then packed with medicine (this paper-like medicine that literally is packed into the wound). Then they come back to have the dressing changed and the medicine taken out, and then the wound has to be re-packed with medicine until it is healed. This patient is great - talkative and a good personality... did great with her surgery. She freaked out, though, when it came time to re-pack the wound - it really freaked her out that the medicine had to go inside a little bit - and WHO CAN BLAME HER - that freaks me out thinking about it! Anyway, finally the nurse said that she could do it herself if she wanted - so she did! All it took was her having a little control over her situation, and she actually packed her own wound! (It didn't have to go far in at all, just so you know... it's not like she was shoving anything into a big open wound ;).

So... after the clinic busy-ness... then comes the scariest part of the day. While walking down one of the hallways, I hear this man yelling so loud. Then, I see a woman walking very quickly away from the man. He's yelling at her to come back and walking toward her. I have no clue what it was about, but that man was so mad... like so angry it makes you nervous to be around, and it gives me chill bumps. I hate when people get that angry - it's so scary - you just wonder what they are going to do. Anyway, I had to walk past him to get to where I was going, and the whole time I'm just thinking 'Please don't swing at me, please don't hit me." I think he was blind (he had these shades on), so I was scared he would hear my footsteps and think I was the woman and then he'd hit me. BUT he didn't :) So... security was called, and I guess that was taken care of. When I see stuff like that, I'm reminded of just how different some people's lives are. I can't imagine being as angry as that man - and I can't imagine being the person he is mad at... that has to be scary. I always wonder what people's lives are like when they are in their homes, away from public... makes me sad.

So, after that, I was planning to meet another one of the PT girls to work with one particular little patient that has been in the hospital almost as long as I've been there. I can't give any details of the patient, but this child is so special and is going through unimaginable life circumstances at such a young age. I feel constantly challenged at trying to 'reach' this child and to help her have a little normalcy in the hospital. For weeks, I've been trying to think of different ways we can 'play'... this child's mobility is extremely limited, so ya gotta get creative. Anyway, I made this Memory game that we can play together. Actually the game company made the game - ha - I just adapted it to be able to play on a stand-up board. Put velcro on the pieces and cover up a big wooden screen with felt, and you have a stand-up memory game! We played that while he was having PT, and honestly, she did not seem very interested - but then again, lately he has not been responding back much to us at all. Usually, she shakes or nods her head to respond, but I think he has been agitated lately... so I've seen lots more "NO" shakes than head nods lately! Anyway - after PT, I stayed around to play some more, and I figured she just wanted to watch movies as usual. As soon as I took the game down, he got upset, so I put it back up and asked if she wanted to play - and he nodded! Woohoo - she likes it! I know that sounds so trivial - but I was just so excited that she actually found something he liked besides a movie! She actually likes to be read to, too, but we've done so much of that - I think he really needs something new and different. So... I think now that I have that board set up, we could probably adapt a lot of other things to do with it... so we'll see :)

All in all, it was such a productive day at work! Those don't happen every day, but it is so rejuvenating when they do. Even on these days, I still feel like I'm a slacker... I still didn't see all the kids upstairs, and I want to start working with kids in the OR more - prep them for surgery, check in while they are waiting... but something is just keeping me from diving in full force there. Today was too busy with the clinic and the other patients, and I wouldn't have made it to the OR anyway - but hopefully I'll start feeling more comfortable in all areas of the hospital and be able to do more there.