Tomorrow, someone special to me is celebrating their 2nd Birthday! Not a regular birthday, but a day to recognize 2 years of sobriety. Since it's called Alcoholics ANONYMOUS, I guess I won't give the person's name. If you know me well, then you know who it is, and I'm sure he doesn't mind anyone knowing anyway. In fact, he loves to share his story.
I can't even properly express how proud I am of this person. He's always been a loving, funny, caring person. Thankfully, alcoholism didn't take these perfect qualities away from him... and again, thankfully, sobriety didn't change these characteristics either. He is still the same, hilarious, goofy, sweet, sarcastic person I knew before. But now, he actually cares about his own life and what his purpose in life is. He has been able to look at life clearly, and not just live life day-to-day with the same routine of work, home, drink, recover, work, drink, home, drink, recover, etc... with the ocassional desire to change but never really doing anything about it.
Now, he is so thoughtful about what he is doing, how he is treating people, the decisions he is making... and coincidentally, things in his life seem to be much smoother than they were before. He shows up to get-togethers actually wanting to be there and wanting to spend time with family and friends.
I am SO glad that he came to the decision to make this change in his life. He will admit that it wasn't easy - but he will also admit that making the change was SO much better than he ever thought it would be. While he was in that cloud of drinking (to forget, to get through something, to relax, whatever his reasons), he couldn't imagine giving it up completely - how lame, how dumb, what was wrong with getting drunk anyway, it's not like he was a raging alcoholic...any excuse he could think of, I'm sure - he couldn't see the real benefits of quitting compeltely. I think it sounded like more work to him than it should be, or that it couldn't be 'that much better.' But, he found out in little time that it was the best thing for him. It cleared his mind and heart, it allowed him to actually deal with the issues that were deep inside, and it helped him to forgive (others, himself, whoever) and to look to God to show him how to live.
You can tell how much happier he is. You can tell where his priorities lie. And he still is the same person, in a way, in all the right ways. It didn't make him less funny or less fun or anything like that. It made him better in every sense.
I am so proud. And so happy. Sobriety has made him truly seek and know who Christ is. We have more conversations than I've had with most people about God and his purposes and our purposes in God's plan. He has it all. I think he trusts Christ a lot more than some people I know who have claimed to trust Christ for years. At least his life and attitude show it.
This has been prayed for by his family members for years... and I think it is the perfect testament to others to prove that prayer works, and that God does listen, and He CAN change people - note - I said HE can change people in this way, WE DON'T change them. I do believe the individual person has to come to the point or decision where they are willing to give something up in order to make this change - and once they make the decision, then God is there all the way. The verse that says, "Raise up a child in the way he should go, and he shall not depart from it," or something like that - it is true. They will come back to Christ. That gives me hope for others that I've known that are in a place like this person was. I believe that God can and wants to bring all of His children back to Him. So, given God's timing and good purpose, they will come back to Him. I believe it.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
you can change your mind
A quick blog to say that... one of the biggest things that keeps me excited about life (besides just everything about God and how he completes my life) is the fact that I am not confined to anything. Nothing says that I can't change my mind and have a new career. Nothing says that I can't move to wherever I want to move. At any point in time.
Now, do I need to be responsible about these choices? YES! Personally, for me, I have a lot of things that I want to pay off (hence one of the previous blogs about debt elimination). So, yes, I want to take care of that before I make any changes, if I decide to make them. But, that is completely in my control. I can make that decision, conquer that goal, and choose to take a new path in life.
That, to me, makes life so interesting and open and unpredictable. I love it.
The one thing that I have not figured out is if I would still have this freedom to change if I were married. And maybe that is a good reason I am not married yet. Two people are involved in marriage (unless you are on Big Love), and one person doesn't just decide to jump up and move without considering the other person's desires (well, not if you love each other, that is).
I could be in trouble one day - this is the thing that makes me nervous about that kind of life-commitment. All I know is that if that time ever comes - I'd better either be very settled in where I am, or I'd better wait for someone who is just as open to 'change' as I am.
Right now, and hopefully always, I am open and excited to see life unfold... and hopefully will enjoy all the steps to every new chapter.
Loving the chapter I'm in right now... if it were a movie, I feel like I'm at the beginning of my 'montage.' :)
Now, do I need to be responsible about these choices? YES! Personally, for me, I have a lot of things that I want to pay off (hence one of the previous blogs about debt elimination). So, yes, I want to take care of that before I make any changes, if I decide to make them. But, that is completely in my control. I can make that decision, conquer that goal, and choose to take a new path in life.
That, to me, makes life so interesting and open and unpredictable. I love it.
The one thing that I have not figured out is if I would still have this freedom to change if I were married. And maybe that is a good reason I am not married yet. Two people are involved in marriage (unless you are on Big Love), and one person doesn't just decide to jump up and move without considering the other person's desires (well, not if you love each other, that is).
I could be in trouble one day - this is the thing that makes me nervous about that kind of life-commitment. All I know is that if that time ever comes - I'd better either be very settled in where I am, or I'd better wait for someone who is just as open to 'change' as I am.
Right now, and hopefully always, I am open and excited to see life unfold... and hopefully will enjoy all the steps to every new chapter.
Loving the chapter I'm in right now... if it were a movie, I feel like I'm at the beginning of my 'montage.' :)
Friday, August 27, 2010
a (busy) day in the life...
Look at this - a THIRD post in one week... :)
I just thought I'd talk a little bit about work today. Today was such a busy day, and I love these days the best. I always feel a little guilty saying that, seeing as how I work in a hospital - and a busy day for me means that people are sick or in pain or having to have surgery or procedures... not good!
Anyway, on with the day. I work in the Burn Clinic in the mornings, and lately there have not been so many kids. However, today made up for the entire week! I think the most interesting thing I saw today was a little girl having her head scanned so that a mask can be made for her. This mask is used to cover the burn scars on her face. Putting pressure on those scars with a mask help to keep the scars from building up and becoming thick. Anyway, the process was so unique and interesting. The PT (side note: I love the girls in PT that I get to work with - they always let observe new things they are doing and let me know when there are kids that could use help , too!) Anyway, they have this computer attached to a scanner - the scanner looks just like one in a store. She scans the person's face all over, and the person's image appears on the screen in 3D (4D?). She did this a few times to make sure that a good complete picture was made. Then she sends all of those scans in to a company that makes the mold for the mask. When it comes back to the hospital here, they can melt plastic over the mold and fit the mask to the person's face. Technology is crazy! (And expensive, by the way)
Well, the little patient today did SO WELL. She held so still and I think she even liked it :) When she first came into the clinic, she was scared and didn't want anyone to come near her, because she knows exactly what kinds of things happen in the clinic (dressing changes, blood pressure, things that 3 year olds don't like). But, we showed her exactly what the scanner did, and she thought it was pretty neat. She was so cute.
There were many other patients in the clinic which kept me pretty busy. One child had an MRSA abscess. Usually, people with these will have surgery, so the infection is removed from inside and then packed with medicine (this paper-like medicine that literally is packed into the wound). Then they come back to have the dressing changed and the medicine taken out, and then the wound has to be re-packed with medicine until it is healed. This patient is great - talkative and a good personality... did great with her surgery. She freaked out, though, when it came time to re-pack the wound - it really freaked her out that the medicine had to go inside a little bit - and WHO CAN BLAME HER - that freaks me out thinking about it! Anyway, finally the nurse said that she could do it herself if she wanted - so she did! All it took was her having a little control over her situation, and she actually packed her own wound! (It didn't have to go far in at all, just so you know... it's not like she was shoving anything into a big open wound ;).
So... after the clinic busy-ness... then comes the scariest part of the day. While walking down one of the hallways, I hear this man yelling so loud. Then, I see a woman walking very quickly away from the man. He's yelling at her to come back and walking toward her. I have no clue what it was about, but that man was so mad... like so angry it makes you nervous to be around, and it gives me chill bumps. I hate when people get that angry - it's so scary - you just wonder what they are going to do. Anyway, I had to walk past him to get to where I was going, and the whole time I'm just thinking 'Please don't swing at me, please don't hit me." I think he was blind (he had these shades on), so I was scared he would hear my footsteps and think I was the woman and then he'd hit me. BUT he didn't :) So... security was called, and I guess that was taken care of. When I see stuff like that, I'm reminded of just how different some people's lives are. I can't imagine being as angry as that man - and I can't imagine being the person he is mad at... that has to be scary. I always wonder what people's lives are like when they are in their homes, away from public... makes me sad.
So, after that, I was planning to meet another one of the PT girls to work with one particular little patient that has been in the hospital almost as long as I've been there. I can't give any details of the patient, but this child is so special and is going through unimaginable life circumstances at such a young age. I feel constantly challenged at trying to 'reach' this child and to help her have a little normalcy in the hospital. For weeks, I've been trying to think of different ways we can 'play'... this child's mobility is extremely limited, so ya gotta get creative. Anyway, I made this Memory game that we can play together. Actually the game company made the game - ha - I just adapted it to be able to play on a stand-up board. Put velcro on the pieces and cover up a big wooden screen with felt, and you have a stand-up memory game! We played that while he was having PT, and honestly, she did not seem very interested - but then again, lately he has not been responding back much to us at all. Usually, she shakes or nods her head to respond, but I think he has been agitated lately... so I've seen lots more "NO" shakes than head nods lately! Anyway - after PT, I stayed around to play some more, and I figured she just wanted to watch movies as usual. As soon as I took the game down, he got upset, so I put it back up and asked if she wanted to play - and he nodded! Woohoo - she likes it! I know that sounds so trivial - but I was just so excited that she actually found something he liked besides a movie! She actually likes to be read to, too, but we've done so much of that - I think he really needs something new and different. So... I think now that I have that board set up, we could probably adapt a lot of other things to do with it... so we'll see :)
All in all, it was such a productive day at work! Those don't happen every day, but it is so rejuvenating when they do. Even on these days, I still feel like I'm a slacker... I still didn't see all the kids upstairs, and I want to start working with kids in the OR more - prep them for surgery, check in while they are waiting... but something is just keeping me from diving in full force there. Today was too busy with the clinic and the other patients, and I wouldn't have made it to the OR anyway - but hopefully I'll start feeling more comfortable in all areas of the hospital and be able to do more there.
I just thought I'd talk a little bit about work today. Today was such a busy day, and I love these days the best. I always feel a little guilty saying that, seeing as how I work in a hospital - and a busy day for me means that people are sick or in pain or having to have surgery or procedures... not good!
Anyway, on with the day. I work in the Burn Clinic in the mornings, and lately there have not been so many kids. However, today made up for the entire week! I think the most interesting thing I saw today was a little girl having her head scanned so that a mask can be made for her. This mask is used to cover the burn scars on her face. Putting pressure on those scars with a mask help to keep the scars from building up and becoming thick. Anyway, the process was so unique and interesting. The PT (side note: I love the girls in PT that I get to work with - they always let observe new things they are doing and let me know when there are kids that could use help , too!) Anyway, they have this computer attached to a scanner - the scanner looks just like one in a store. She scans the person's face all over, and the person's image appears on the screen in 3D (4D?). She did this a few times to make sure that a good complete picture was made. Then she sends all of those scans in to a company that makes the mold for the mask. When it comes back to the hospital here, they can melt plastic over the mold and fit the mask to the person's face. Technology is crazy! (And expensive, by the way)
Well, the little patient today did SO WELL. She held so still and I think she even liked it :) When she first came into the clinic, she was scared and didn't want anyone to come near her, because she knows exactly what kinds of things happen in the clinic (dressing changes, blood pressure, things that 3 year olds don't like). But, we showed her exactly what the scanner did, and she thought it was pretty neat. She was so cute.
There were many other patients in the clinic which kept me pretty busy. One child had an MRSA abscess. Usually, people with these will have surgery, so the infection is removed from inside and then packed with medicine (this paper-like medicine that literally is packed into the wound). Then they come back to have the dressing changed and the medicine taken out, and then the wound has to be re-packed with medicine until it is healed. This patient is great - talkative and a good personality... did great with her surgery. She freaked out, though, when it came time to re-pack the wound - it really freaked her out that the medicine had to go inside a little bit - and WHO CAN BLAME HER - that freaks me out thinking about it! Anyway, finally the nurse said that she could do it herself if she wanted - so she did! All it took was her having a little control over her situation, and she actually packed her own wound! (It didn't have to go far in at all, just so you know... it's not like she was shoving anything into a big open wound ;).
So... after the clinic busy-ness... then comes the scariest part of the day. While walking down one of the hallways, I hear this man yelling so loud. Then, I see a woman walking very quickly away from the man. He's yelling at her to come back and walking toward her. I have no clue what it was about, but that man was so mad... like so angry it makes you nervous to be around, and it gives me chill bumps. I hate when people get that angry - it's so scary - you just wonder what they are going to do. Anyway, I had to walk past him to get to where I was going, and the whole time I'm just thinking 'Please don't swing at me, please don't hit me." I think he was blind (he had these shades on), so I was scared he would hear my footsteps and think I was the woman and then he'd hit me. BUT he didn't :) So... security was called, and I guess that was taken care of. When I see stuff like that, I'm reminded of just how different some people's lives are. I can't imagine being as angry as that man - and I can't imagine being the person he is mad at... that has to be scary. I always wonder what people's lives are like when they are in their homes, away from public... makes me sad.
So, after that, I was planning to meet another one of the PT girls to work with one particular little patient that has been in the hospital almost as long as I've been there. I can't give any details of the patient, but this child is so special and is going through unimaginable life circumstances at such a young age. I feel constantly challenged at trying to 'reach' this child and to help her have a little normalcy in the hospital. For weeks, I've been trying to think of different ways we can 'play'... this child's mobility is extremely limited, so ya gotta get creative. Anyway, I made this Memory game that we can play together. Actually the game company made the game - ha - I just adapted it to be able to play on a stand-up board. Put velcro on the pieces and cover up a big wooden screen with felt, and you have a stand-up memory game! We played that while he was having PT, and honestly, she did not seem very interested - but then again, lately he has not been responding back much to us at all. Usually, she shakes or nods her head to respond, but I think he has been agitated lately... so I've seen lots more "NO" shakes than head nods lately! Anyway - after PT, I stayed around to play some more, and I figured she just wanted to watch movies as usual. As soon as I took the game down, he got upset, so I put it back up and asked if she wanted to play - and he nodded! Woohoo - she likes it! I know that sounds so trivial - but I was just so excited that she actually found something he liked besides a movie! She actually likes to be read to, too, but we've done so much of that - I think he really needs something new and different. So... I think now that I have that board set up, we could probably adapt a lot of other things to do with it... so we'll see :)
All in all, it was such a productive day at work! Those don't happen every day, but it is so rejuvenating when they do. Even on these days, I still feel like I'm a slacker... I still didn't see all the kids upstairs, and I want to start working with kids in the OR more - prep them for surgery, check in while they are waiting... but something is just keeping me from diving in full force there. Today was too busy with the clinic and the other patients, and I wouldn't have made it to the OR anyway - but hopefully I'll start feeling more comfortable in all areas of the hospital and be able to do more there.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Fall
A friend of mine told me that she never looks at my blog because I never post anything new, and when I finally do, it is 3 miles long. HAHA. And that is so true :) So, in an effort to blog more, I'm just gonna write something today, and that will make twice in one week! How's that, Katie?
I will just say how much I LOVE Fall, and how ready I am for it! Here are some reasons I love it so much:
1. It's cooler.
2. The leaves are pretty.
3. Windy.
4. Everything smells better in Fall.
5. Halloween AND Thanksgiving, and the beginning of Christmas season.
6. Christmas music, everywhere.
7. A happy feeling that comes from I don't know where... just happy because it's Fall.
8. Festivals outside. And the weather during the festivals.
9. Wearing jeans and long sleeve shirts and feeling great without having to bundle up too much, but not feeling hot either.
10. All the decorations in the stores.
11. I just think of 'family' when I think of Fall, probably because of the holidays.
12. Cinnamon and Pumpkin spice
13. I'm more likely to exercise in Fall.
14. Hiking is appealing. Notice I did not say that I do it... but I'd like to, and Fall is the perfect time to start :)
15. Charlie Brown Specials
I'm sure there are many many more :) I've already started to feel the cooler weather in the mornings and at night - yay, it's coming!
I will just say how much I LOVE Fall, and how ready I am for it! Here are some reasons I love it so much:
1. It's cooler.
2. The leaves are pretty.
3. Windy.
4. Everything smells better in Fall.
5. Halloween AND Thanksgiving, and the beginning of Christmas season.
6. Christmas music, everywhere.
7. A happy feeling that comes from I don't know where... just happy because it's Fall.
8. Festivals outside. And the weather during the festivals.
9. Wearing jeans and long sleeve shirts and feeling great without having to bundle up too much, but not feeling hot either.
10. All the decorations in the stores.
11. I just think of 'family' when I think of Fall, probably because of the holidays.
12. Cinnamon and Pumpkin spice
13. I'm more likely to exercise in Fall.
14. Hiking is appealing. Notice I did not say that I do it... but I'd like to, and Fall is the perfect time to start :)
15. Charlie Brown Specials
I'm sure there are many many more :) I've already started to feel the cooler weather in the mornings and at night - yay, it's coming!
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Lately...
My mind seems to move at 100mph pretty regularly. It is not that I am not satisfied where I am right now... but I am always looking forward to what might be next.
Lately, on my mind constantly is missions. I have thought about it for so many years, but I have not done much about it. I don't know why. It does seem kind of daunting. Even the act of going on a week-long mission trip requires raising the money to do it. And, I have enough money issues as it is. The thought of raising support for long-term missions just seems impossible... and unappealing! It's not, of course, but I think my pride is too human to feel good about raising money. I think I would rather find a way to work for it... though that may take years!
But, that should never stop me from going. I think I'm probably mostly just scared. It is a big commitment.
Anyway - it's not like I'm going right now or any time very soon... who knows. I just think about it a lot.
But, in order to prepare myself for my next step - whether that means missions far away, or something more local - I am going to make some changes.
For one - I have had a debt building up since I moved back from Charleston - because I was in between jobs and still having a house payment (bad combination). So, my goal right now is: OPERATION DEBT ELIMINATION. It's not an insane amount, but it's way more than I'd ever like to have (which is zero).
So, I'm thinking of different ways to work toward this goal. That begins with spending less (duh). I have spent so much time and money lately on travel and fun... so NO MORE FUN! Just kidding :) But, I am going to get my priorities in line and cut down on the 'fun' money and time, and focus on using my time to earn money to pay off everything. That might mean a night/weekend part-time job, or teaching piano on the side, or finding a way to play piano at weddings and stuff like that, housesitting - whatever!
After I pay it off, then I plan on earning money so I can hopefully find a trip to Africa to take... and THEN we will see where that leads.
So here goes... :)
Lately, on my mind constantly is missions. I have thought about it for so many years, but I have not done much about it. I don't know why. It does seem kind of daunting. Even the act of going on a week-long mission trip requires raising the money to do it. And, I have enough money issues as it is. The thought of raising support for long-term missions just seems impossible... and unappealing! It's not, of course, but I think my pride is too human to feel good about raising money. I think I would rather find a way to work for it... though that may take years!
But, that should never stop me from going. I think I'm probably mostly just scared. It is a big commitment.
Anyway - it's not like I'm going right now or any time very soon... who knows. I just think about it a lot.
But, in order to prepare myself for my next step - whether that means missions far away, or something more local - I am going to make some changes.
For one - I have had a debt building up since I moved back from Charleston - because I was in between jobs and still having a house payment (bad combination). So, my goal right now is: OPERATION DEBT ELIMINATION. It's not an insane amount, but it's way more than I'd ever like to have (which is zero).
So, I'm thinking of different ways to work toward this goal. That begins with spending less (duh). I have spent so much time and money lately on travel and fun... so NO MORE FUN! Just kidding :) But, I am going to get my priorities in line and cut down on the 'fun' money and time, and focus on using my time to earn money to pay off everything. That might mean a night/weekend part-time job, or teaching piano on the side, or finding a way to play piano at weddings and stuff like that, housesitting - whatever!
After I pay it off, then I plan on earning money so I can hopefully find a trip to Africa to take... and THEN we will see where that leads.
So here goes... :)
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Simple Saturday
There was nothing out of the ordinary about today. I think that is what made it so great. For once, I stayed in Augusta this weekend. And, I slept in this morning. I read a little, listened to some new slow music, took my time getting ready and actually blow dried my hair. I met a friend for lunch and saw a movie (Eat, Pray, Love) with other friends. I went to the store and made homemade guacamole while listening to music, and then headed out to a friend's engagement party. It was actually pretty full, I guess... but it was just so nice to let the day just happen. Nothing was really planned, except for the party, of course. I love days like this. I also do love going out of town, but I do it so much that I really look forward to weekends with nothing planned.
I also LOOOVE living back in my house. I think I've realized that I love big social time just as much as I love personal, quiet time. And, I can't believe it, but I really love cooking and having good music on in the background.
New things I'm discovering all the time. :) I think there is definitely something to be said about simplicity. My life seems so far from it, as far as my schedule goes, anyway. But, it really is the slow, quiet things that sometimes feel so good.
As far as stuff, actual material things, goes... I have been working on simplicity for a while now. Maybe it started when I moved to Charleston and then started changing residencies every 6 months... out of a need to downsize and make moving easier. And maybe it magnified after reading a little Francis Chan. But, I long to be more simple. To have the things in life I actually need, and less of the things that are just 'extra.' That was easier when I was not living in my house. Now that I have moved back in, it's a bigger challenge to not want to accumulate just stuff to 'fill the spaces' or decorate. But, I feel like it's going pretty well, so far.
I want to appreciate life, and I want to experience life outside of my own. I don't want to be wasteful and get wrapped up in things that don't matter. I want there to be a purpose behind everything, and I don't EVER want to just exist. (This is getting a little deeper than I intended, ha). I don't want to miss learning or miss out on something I should have seen or done because I was so busy filling in my 'quiet time' with stuff and activity.
So... simplicity is my ongoing goal.
I also LOOOVE living back in my house. I think I've realized that I love big social time just as much as I love personal, quiet time. And, I can't believe it, but I really love cooking and having good music on in the background.
New things I'm discovering all the time. :) I think there is definitely something to be said about simplicity. My life seems so far from it, as far as my schedule goes, anyway. But, it really is the slow, quiet things that sometimes feel so good.
As far as stuff, actual material things, goes... I have been working on simplicity for a while now. Maybe it started when I moved to Charleston and then started changing residencies every 6 months... out of a need to downsize and make moving easier. And maybe it magnified after reading a little Francis Chan. But, I long to be more simple. To have the things in life I actually need, and less of the things that are just 'extra.' That was easier when I was not living in my house. Now that I have moved back in, it's a bigger challenge to not want to accumulate just stuff to 'fill the spaces' or decorate. But, I feel like it's going pretty well, so far.
I want to appreciate life, and I want to experience life outside of my own. I don't want to be wasteful and get wrapped up in things that don't matter. I want there to be a purpose behind everything, and I don't EVER want to just exist. (This is getting a little deeper than I intended, ha). I don't want to miss learning or miss out on something I should have seen or done because I was so busy filling in my 'quiet time' with stuff and activity.
So... simplicity is my ongoing goal.
Monday, May 3, 2010
righteousness through faith
You know how you just kind of get in a funk sometimes? I have had a good share of them over the last few years, but a lot of good has come from them, so I'm not going to complain about them. Anytime I am in one of these funks now, I know that I am going to learn something sooner or later ;)
This past year has been so great - I've developed such a great group of friends and had good times with my older friends. I feel like I've done so much and been on so many fun trips. It really has been awesome. But, even with so many good things going on, I still hit a funk. Nothing like the funks I've been in in the past, but still, not a good feeling. I saw a funk defined once as "less than a depression and more than just a bad day." That's pretty good...
In my case, there is always a specific incident that brings on something like that, but the actual situation doesn't matter too much. "Situations" always involve people... and feelings. And situations that put someone into a funk usually involve negative feelings. And the heart of the matter is not what someone or I did or said (or didn't do or say), but the heart of the matter is WHY I feel the way I feel. I think we automatically want to blame other people for the way we feel - when really, it truly only comes down to ourselves. And, I usually need to ask myself: "Why do I feel this way? Why does this make me upset/angry/sad/frustrated?" Instead of: "Why does he/she do this or that?" Hopefully that makes sense.
We can't blame other people for our feelings. (Yes, sometimes we are definitely 'attacked,' but I'm not referring to that kind of situation). I think we need to try to understand why we feel the way we feel, and trust God to work this out through us. I'm not saying that we should forget about other people, but we just need to recognize that our problems exist because WE are human and imperfect ourselves.
Even though I KNOW this, I usually blame others for a while before I start remembering that it's really not about them at all - it's me. Ugh, when will I learn?! ;)
Anyway, through this funk, the latest lesson I've been learning is this: "righteousness comes through faith." I don't think I ever really even tried to understand what that means. I probably just read it years, maybe even months ago and thought, "yeah, sure, OK. righteousness comes through faith. faith is good. good." Seriously, I don't think I put any thought into it.
Until lately. I have been trying SOOO hard to act "right" (or "right"eous). I always want to come across as if I have it together and as if I know how to treat everyone with perfect love and forgiveness, even if things aren't perfect. Even when I'm dying inside from frustration or annoyance and I and want nothing more than to disappear from a situation, I'm hoping to come across as calm, cool and collected. Ha - well I know that doesn't happen, because I end up coming across as AWKWARD. That's me for sure. Or, maybe I seem really rude... I hate that.
the last thing I want is to be that way... but it's like I can't help it. If I'm in a situation and I don't want to be there, I'm going to try to be nice and normal, but I'm probably going to be very distant and wrapped up in my head and emotions. I may not proclaim my emotions, but I definitely can't hide them. Wow, that is something I know and really dislike about myself! It's kind of like what Paul says about our heart desiring to be one way (the good way), but our body (flesh) doing the exact thing that we hate. It is such a battle... a constant one sometimes.
The stupid thing is - I'd be the first one to say that "We should all be honest with each other about our weaknesses and failures, etc." And, I do really believe that - but when it comes to personal in-the-moment situations, I now see that I SOOO try to hide my real (weak) self. Which is pointless, because it shows anyway.
So - - - when I do have these moments when I am having such a hard time loving and accepting and being "right" and being a good friend even when I'm hurt and frustrated - - - I am totally thrown off. Generally, I get along with people really well. I really do love people pretty easily. And I HATE it when I struggle with relationships with others. I hate when I know that I am being judgemental and critical. Yet, I don't know how to stop it. And, I try so hard to NOT be that way, that I get even more frustrated when I can't fix myself. Usually, I assume that intentionally putting myself in the very situation that frustrates me will force me to HAVE to overcome the challenge... like I can be "the bigger person" and act (even make myself believe) as if nothing is bothering me. But what I have learned is that it only makes it worse. And it takes me FOREVER to come to terms with that.
This has been driving me crazy for a long time now. And FINALLY, I read something last week that made ALL the difference. Or maybe it was a combination of things that I was reading. Anyway, the thing that stuck out was that RIGHTEOUSNESS (becoming more like Christ) comes through FAITH. We cannot become righteous on our own - I cannot "fix myself." As much as I want to be different, I can't "make myself good." I can't put myself in an awkward situation enough times until I just become a better person on my own. Only by having FAITH that God is going to change me - knowing that I can stop trying so hard to be 'better' - will I actually change.
In my case, I really believe that taking myself away from the 'situation' and distancing just a little bit is what God has wanted me to do. My natural instinct is to believe that this MUST be wrong - why would God want me to get away from a situation if I am supposed to be learning how to love others more? It doesn't make sense to my brain... but, when do God's plans make a whole lot of sense to me anyway?
I was reading something today that talked about Mary (Jesus' mother) and how weird God's plan was for her. Why would he decide to make Mary pregnant when she wasn't even married. What must her neighbors have thought?? Didn't it seem too scandalous?? But really, it wasn't scandalous at all. Everyone else may have thought it was - but they didn't really know the whole story. Only God did and does.
So, when I think it's crazy that I need to take myself out of a situation that I am trying to improve... I have to remember that just because I don't think it seems right doesn't mean that it isn't right. Obviously, all of my OWN efforts were in vain and just brought me lower and lower. Just because it might seem strange to other people doesn't mean that God doesn't want me to do it.
Anyway - that's just a random thought. The main point is that God is the one who will make me righteous. I can stop trying to force myself to be nice and sweet and polite and loving - (when really I am negative and hurtful and angry and critical on the inside) - and I can trust that if I can just "be still," seek Him by knowing Him more, and do what God wants of me, even if it seems weird, then GOD WILL CHANGE MY HEART.
I have already noticed Him working, even just in how my anxiety has changed. I've been so hyped up about all of this that my stomach has been in knots and my heart races sometimes just out of pure frustration that I CAN'T be a better person and I don't know how to handle my situation. And finally, once I learned this lesson, my anxiety lessened almost immediately. It was crazy! I'm not saying that I am 100% - I never will be cured of pride here on this earth - BUT, a profound difference has been made because of God alone - and I can trust that He IS CHANGING me even still. I still may have a ways to go, and I may not be completely out of that funk - but I don't have to force myself to do anything anymore. It would all be in vain anyway. He is working in me. Righteousness comes by faith. He IS changing my heart and softening it and helping me to love more.
I am starting to learn that I can always trust Him to teach me something great through any funk I may have...
His ways are not my ways, nor His thoughts my thoughts. His ways are higher. Thank GOD. :)
This past year has been so great - I've developed such a great group of friends and had good times with my older friends. I feel like I've done so much and been on so many fun trips. It really has been awesome. But, even with so many good things going on, I still hit a funk. Nothing like the funks I've been in in the past, but still, not a good feeling. I saw a funk defined once as "less than a depression and more than just a bad day." That's pretty good...
In my case, there is always a specific incident that brings on something like that, but the actual situation doesn't matter too much. "Situations" always involve people... and feelings. And situations that put someone into a funk usually involve negative feelings. And the heart of the matter is not what someone or I did or said (or didn't do or say), but the heart of the matter is WHY I feel the way I feel. I think we automatically want to blame other people for the way we feel - when really, it truly only comes down to ourselves. And, I usually need to ask myself: "Why do I feel this way? Why does this make me upset/angry/sad/frustrated?" Instead of: "Why does he/she do this or that?" Hopefully that makes sense.
We can't blame other people for our feelings. (Yes, sometimes we are definitely 'attacked,' but I'm not referring to that kind of situation). I think we need to try to understand why we feel the way we feel, and trust God to work this out through us. I'm not saying that we should forget about other people, but we just need to recognize that our problems exist because WE are human and imperfect ourselves.
Even though I KNOW this, I usually blame others for a while before I start remembering that it's really not about them at all - it's me. Ugh, when will I learn?! ;)
Anyway, through this funk, the latest lesson I've been learning is this: "righteousness comes through faith." I don't think I ever really even tried to understand what that means. I probably just read it years, maybe even months ago and thought, "yeah, sure, OK. righteousness comes through faith. faith is good. good." Seriously, I don't think I put any thought into it.
Until lately. I have been trying SOOO hard to act "right" (or "right"eous). I always want to come across as if I have it together and as if I know how to treat everyone with perfect love and forgiveness, even if things aren't perfect. Even when I'm dying inside from frustration or annoyance and I and want nothing more than to disappear from a situation, I'm hoping to come across as calm, cool and collected. Ha - well I know that doesn't happen, because I end up coming across as AWKWARD. That's me for sure. Or, maybe I seem really rude... I hate that.
the last thing I want is to be that way... but it's like I can't help it. If I'm in a situation and I don't want to be there, I'm going to try to be nice and normal, but I'm probably going to be very distant and wrapped up in my head and emotions. I may not proclaim my emotions, but I definitely can't hide them. Wow, that is something I know and really dislike about myself! It's kind of like what Paul says about our heart desiring to be one way (the good way), but our body (flesh) doing the exact thing that we hate. It is such a battle... a constant one sometimes.
The stupid thing is - I'd be the first one to say that "We should all be honest with each other about our weaknesses and failures, etc." And, I do really believe that - but when it comes to personal in-the-moment situations, I now see that I SOOO try to hide my real (weak) self. Which is pointless, because it shows anyway.
So - - - when I do have these moments when I am having such a hard time loving and accepting and being "right" and being a good friend even when I'm hurt and frustrated - - - I am totally thrown off. Generally, I get along with people really well. I really do love people pretty easily. And I HATE it when I struggle with relationships with others. I hate when I know that I am being judgemental and critical. Yet, I don't know how to stop it. And, I try so hard to NOT be that way, that I get even more frustrated when I can't fix myself. Usually, I assume that intentionally putting myself in the very situation that frustrates me will force me to HAVE to overcome the challenge... like I can be "the bigger person" and act (even make myself believe) as if nothing is bothering me. But what I have learned is that it only makes it worse. And it takes me FOREVER to come to terms with that.
This has been driving me crazy for a long time now. And FINALLY, I read something last week that made ALL the difference. Or maybe it was a combination of things that I was reading. Anyway, the thing that stuck out was that RIGHTEOUSNESS (becoming more like Christ) comes through FAITH. We cannot become righteous on our own - I cannot "fix myself." As much as I want to be different, I can't "make myself good." I can't put myself in an awkward situation enough times until I just become a better person on my own. Only by having FAITH that God is going to change me - knowing that I can stop trying so hard to be 'better' - will I actually change.
In my case, I really believe that taking myself away from the 'situation' and distancing just a little bit is what God has wanted me to do. My natural instinct is to believe that this MUST be wrong - why would God want me to get away from a situation if I am supposed to be learning how to love others more? It doesn't make sense to my brain... but, when do God's plans make a whole lot of sense to me anyway?
I was reading something today that talked about Mary (Jesus' mother) and how weird God's plan was for her. Why would he decide to make Mary pregnant when she wasn't even married. What must her neighbors have thought?? Didn't it seem too scandalous?? But really, it wasn't scandalous at all. Everyone else may have thought it was - but they didn't really know the whole story. Only God did and does.
So, when I think it's crazy that I need to take myself out of a situation that I am trying to improve... I have to remember that just because I don't think it seems right doesn't mean that it isn't right. Obviously, all of my OWN efforts were in vain and just brought me lower and lower. Just because it might seem strange to other people doesn't mean that God doesn't want me to do it.
Anyway - that's just a random thought. The main point is that God is the one who will make me righteous. I can stop trying to force myself to be nice and sweet and polite and loving - (when really I am negative and hurtful and angry and critical on the inside) - and I can trust that if I can just "be still," seek Him by knowing Him more, and do what God wants of me, even if it seems weird, then GOD WILL CHANGE MY HEART.
I have already noticed Him working, even just in how my anxiety has changed. I've been so hyped up about all of this that my stomach has been in knots and my heart races sometimes just out of pure frustration that I CAN'T be a better person and I don't know how to handle my situation. And finally, once I learned this lesson, my anxiety lessened almost immediately. It was crazy! I'm not saying that I am 100% - I never will be cured of pride here on this earth - BUT, a profound difference has been made because of God alone - and I can trust that He IS CHANGING me even still. I still may have a ways to go, and I may not be completely out of that funk - but I don't have to force myself to do anything anymore. It would all be in vain anyway. He is working in me. Righteousness comes by faith. He IS changing my heart and softening it and helping me to love more.
I am starting to learn that I can always trust Him to teach me something great through any funk I may have...
His ways are not my ways, nor His thoughts my thoughts. His ways are higher. Thank GOD. :)
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