You know how you just kind of get in a funk sometimes? I have had a good share of them over the last few years, but a lot of good has come from them, so I'm not going to complain about them. Anytime I am in one of these funks now, I know that I am going to learn something sooner or later ;)
This past year has been so great - I've developed such a great group of friends and had good times with my older friends. I feel like I've done so much and been on so many fun trips. It really has been awesome. But, even with so many good things going on, I still hit a funk. Nothing like the funks I've been in in the past, but still, not a good feeling. I saw a funk defined once as "less than a depression and more than just a bad day." That's pretty good...
In my case, there is always a specific incident that brings on something like that, but the actual situation doesn't matter too much. "Situations" always involve people... and feelings. And situations that put someone into a funk usually involve negative feelings. And the heart of the matter is not what someone or I did or said (or didn't do or say), but the heart of the matter is WHY I feel the way I feel. I think we automatically want to blame other people for the way we feel - when really, it truly only comes down to ourselves. And, I usually need to ask myself: "Why do I feel this way? Why does this make me upset/angry/sad/frustrated?" Instead of: "Why does he/she do this or that?" Hopefully that makes sense.
We can't blame other people for our feelings. (Yes, sometimes we are definitely 'attacked,' but I'm not referring to that kind of situation). I think we need to try to understand why we feel the way we feel, and trust God to work this out through us. I'm not saying that we should forget about other people, but we just need to recognize that our problems exist because WE are human and imperfect ourselves.
Even though I KNOW this, I usually blame others for a while before I start remembering that it's really not about them at all - it's me. Ugh, when will I learn?! ;)
Anyway, through this funk, the latest lesson I've been learning is this: "righteousness comes through faith." I don't think I ever really even tried to understand what that means. I probably just read it years, maybe even months ago and thought, "yeah, sure, OK. righteousness comes through faith. faith is good. good." Seriously, I don't think I put any thought into it.
Until lately. I have been trying SOOO hard to act "right" (or "right"eous). I always want to come across as if I have it together and as if I know how to treat everyone with perfect love and forgiveness, even if things aren't perfect. Even when I'm dying inside from frustration or annoyance and I and want nothing more than to disappear from a situation, I'm hoping to come across as calm, cool and collected. Ha - well I know that doesn't happen, because I end up coming across as AWKWARD. That's me for sure. Or, maybe I seem really rude... I hate that.
the last thing I want is to be that way... but it's like I can't help it. If I'm in a situation and I don't want to be there, I'm going to try to be nice and normal, but I'm probably going to be very distant and wrapped up in my head and emotions. I may not proclaim my emotions, but I definitely can't hide them. Wow, that is something I know and really dislike about myself! It's kind of like what Paul says about our heart desiring to be one way (the good way), but our body (flesh) doing the exact thing that we hate. It is such a battle... a constant one sometimes.
The stupid thing is - I'd be the first one to say that "We should all be honest with each other about our weaknesses and failures, etc." And, I do really believe that - but when it comes to personal in-the-moment situations, I now see that I SOOO try to hide my real (weak) self. Which is pointless, because it shows anyway.
So - - - when I do have these moments when I am having such a hard time loving and accepting and being "right" and being a good friend even when I'm hurt and frustrated - - - I am totally thrown off. Generally, I get along with people really well. I really do love people pretty easily. And I HATE it when I struggle with relationships with others. I hate when I know that I am being judgemental and critical. Yet, I don't know how to stop it. And, I try so hard to NOT be that way, that I get even more frustrated when I can't fix myself. Usually, I assume that intentionally putting myself in the very situation that frustrates me will force me to HAVE to overcome the challenge... like I can be "the bigger person" and act (even make myself believe) as if nothing is bothering me. But what I have learned is that it only makes it worse. And it takes me FOREVER to come to terms with that.
This has been driving me crazy for a long time now. And FINALLY, I read something last week that made ALL the difference. Or maybe it was a combination of things that I was reading. Anyway, the thing that stuck out was that RIGHTEOUSNESS (becoming more like Christ) comes through FAITH. We cannot become righteous on our own - I cannot "fix myself." As much as I want to be different, I can't "make myself good." I can't put myself in an awkward situation enough times until I just become a better person on my own. Only by having FAITH that God is going to change me - knowing that I can stop trying so hard to be 'better' - will I actually change.
In my case, I really believe that taking myself away from the 'situation' and distancing just a little bit is what God has wanted me to do. My natural instinct is to believe that this MUST be wrong - why would God want me to get away from a situation if I am supposed to be learning how to love others more? It doesn't make sense to my brain... but, when do God's plans make a whole lot of sense to me anyway?
I was reading something today that talked about Mary (Jesus' mother) and how weird God's plan was for her. Why would he decide to make Mary pregnant when she wasn't even married. What must her neighbors have thought?? Didn't it seem too scandalous?? But really, it wasn't scandalous at all. Everyone else may have thought it was - but they didn't really know the whole story. Only God did and does.
So, when I think it's crazy that I need to take myself out of a situation that I am trying to improve... I have to remember that just because I don't think it seems right doesn't mean that it isn't right. Obviously, all of my OWN efforts were in vain and just brought me lower and lower. Just because it might seem strange to other people doesn't mean that God doesn't want me to do it.
Anyway - that's just a random thought. The main point is that God is the one who will make me righteous. I can stop trying to force myself to be nice and sweet and polite and loving - (when really I am negative and hurtful and angry and critical on the inside) - and I can trust that if I can just "be still," seek Him by knowing Him more, and do what God wants of me, even if it seems weird, then GOD WILL CHANGE MY HEART.
I have already noticed Him working, even just in how my anxiety has changed. I've been so hyped up about all of this that my stomach has been in knots and my heart races sometimes just out of pure frustration that I CAN'T be a better person and I don't know how to handle my situation. And finally, once I learned this lesson, my anxiety lessened almost immediately. It was crazy! I'm not saying that I am 100% - I never will be cured of pride here on this earth - BUT, a profound difference has been made because of God alone - and I can trust that He IS CHANGING me even still. I still may have a ways to go, and I may not be completely out of that funk - but I don't have to force myself to do anything anymore. It would all be in vain anyway. He is working in me. Righteousness comes by faith. He IS changing my heart and softening it and helping me to love more.
I am starting to learn that I can always trust Him to teach me something great through any funk I may have...
His ways are not my ways, nor His thoughts my thoughts. His ways are higher. Thank GOD. :)
