being honest... :)

I am about to put it out there... :)

I know that God is really working in my life. I'm sure that He always has been, but I've just noticed it and embraced it and begged for more over the past couple of years.

I feel like I have learned SO much through these years. I have grown and matured spiritually... but I am also so aware of how much more there is left to go. It seems like the more I grow, the more I realize how dumb I am. OK - dumb is a little harsh... lacking is a better term. I am lacking in A LOT. Motivation, gentleness, gossiping, faith, love... all of it.

I am pretty much a flip-flop. I can have such moments of clarity when all is good and I think I've really learned something and can apply it to my life. An hour later, I am disappointed and questioning why God has put me in such a position, and I have a hard time moving on past disappointment and confusion.

Not that my life is in any bad state. I have plenty to be grateful for. I have wonderful people in my life, I have been able to go new places, and I always seem to be looking forward to something. But, do you ever just seem to focus on what you DON'T have? I hate that. I really hate when I spend a LARGE portion of my time wondering when I will get what I am missing. Another big portion of the time I spend wondering what I even really desire out of life.

I am a single, 27 year-old girl. Most times, I actually like it a lot. It wouldn't be right for me to be married or with children at this point. I mean, I think I am ready (in my mind) to meet someone to love and spend life with, but I don't want to rush anything that isn't meant to be. I do recognize the beauty of this time I have right now, but I also hope to one day see the beauty of marriage. I think God made me the way I am for a reason. He made me to be single at this point for a good purpose. I wouldn't be the same and might not have experienced such growth if things were any different. Usually, I am proud of that, but sometimes I question it. Being single isn't a bad thing at all. I have been able to move away and make new friends, grow spiritually through some challenges in life that I faced because I was single.

But sometimes, being single is hard. If dating were not involved, being single would be a breeze. I would love it, like I did before I really dated much. What is hard is when you are dating someone, and you're going through all of the stages of wondering whether or not this is someone you want to be dating, and whether or not you could see yourself married to them, and if you have 'feelings' there, or if there is supposed to be a 'spark,' or if they feel the same way, or if feelings change, or if you are going to be heart-broken, or if this is really someone you should be spending time with... on and on and on are the thoughts that cross the mind when dating. Well, they cross MY mind. I'm guessing they cross many girls' minds.

Sometimes I envy my friends who met their husbands early on in life... like highschool or college. Not that things were easy for them - I know each came with its own challenges. But to be over with the dating and the unsuredness of it all (is that a word?) - I am jealous of that. Maybe now I understand why my old youth pastor wanted to get us to read the book, "I Kissed Dating Goodbye." ;)

Really, I'm sort-of kidding. Dating must be a good thing if it can lead to marriage. I'm sure that when it's right, it's good :) Plus, even if things don't work out, dating truly can be fun. I'm just saying that it also is complicated, and I look forward to the day when I don't do it anymore!

As much as I desire marriage one day... I still sometimes wonder if that is what I really do want? It is a very definite thing, marriage. Sometimes I am scared to be too settled. Maybe I want to make sure I marry someone who is not sooo settled in their ways that they never want to move or try something new. I have often thought about ministry, missions, and things like that. Is that something I really desire to do one day - and if so, can I do it if I am married? Can I just up and go? Only if my husband is into the same thing and desires it as well. So many questions I have. I'm so unsure about my own goals and desires for my life that it is hard to imagine what kind of life I'd like with another person.

I know that I analyze things too much, but I'm not sure how to NOT do that! I realize that I make things complicated for myself. :) At least I can smile about it!

I will say this. Being single IS a blessing. I wish the single girls out there really believed it. I wish I believed it 100% of the time. I believe that God has a good purpose for single people. We do not need to waste our lives waiting to do something because we aren't married yet. I would say that in my life, more than half of the 'stress' of being single is related to the stigma that society puts on 'singleness.' If society (specifically, conservative, and often religious society) didn't make it seem so wrong to "still be single," then I would have hardly any qualms with being single. I would love to not let that stigma affect me in any way. Of course, there are moments that come every now and then when I just feel like I want to be held by someone who loves me. I just really want that someone to be there... but to be completely honest, those moments come and go pretty quickly. Those are things that I can always move past because my life is full of love in many other ways, and my life is full of activity and LIFE. So, while those moments can affect me at random times, they do not play a big part in my love or dislike of being single. The things society tries to get us to believe are far more effective in making me discontent than any random moment of lonliness. (For me, anyway).

Lots of people say, "So a girl like you, you're STILL single?" While I realize it is complimentary in some ways - it just doesn't do much for me. I'm just like, "Yep. That's right." But what I want to say is, "Is there something wrong with me STILL being single?" Maybe next time I will say that. :) Or maybe I'll just go into my long explanation of how I know that God has purposed my life in this way, and that He has me right where He wants me, but when the time comes for marriage, it will be right! :) I know in my right mind that this is true, but it is our culture that challenges my knowledge on that and makes me question it sometimes. Maybe one day it will not challenge me anymore, and my faith in God will stand above all of it.

I get irritated when I hear that some friends' mothers are pushing them to date any available 'nice Christian guy' that is around. I understand that mothers want their daughters to be happy, but maybe their daughters ARE happy. Or maybe they WOULD BE happy if they didn't feel like it was a mistake that they are single. That is truly how it can feel sometimes when you let others get to you, and that is unnecessary. Sometimes I want to say to mothers, "Maybe instead of just praying for your daughter to meet the man of her dreams as soon as possible, start praying for her to find her purpose and the beauty in being single right now so that she is living her life abundantly now and in every part of her life...because EVERY part of her life, especially RIGHT NOW counts."

There are so many things that I know to be true of God. And, if I believed them all 100% of the time, then life would be nearly perfect. Our culture can really have a bad influence on what I know to be true. I know that is Satan attacking. I have to remind myself of that. This is just how life works.

Whether you are married or single or divorced or going through separation or divorce, God does have a purpose for your life. It is no less purposeful or no more purposeful than anyone else's life, despite how society may influence you to think and feel. And there is no waiting around for the right time - the time is NOW. He has a purpose for your entire life. I want to start living and discovering His purpose right now and continually, in every part of my life. I don't want to fall into the temptation of listening to and believing what mainstream society and even some people in my own personal life tell me about being single or being married for that matter. I want to keep my eyes focused on God's plan for my life. His GOOD plan for ALL of my life. And I'd like to remember that His purpose includes making His goodness known above anything else.

It is easy to type this stuff, harder to live it. Hopefully, I have been transparent enough to explain that I often hit both ends of the spectrum... struggling with singleness, but also loving it and trying not to 'escape it' just because I think I might be missing something at times. And I would like for anyone to remind me of HIS truths when I do have those moments of unbelief.

"Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief." Mark 9:24