no regrets

A lot of times, I wonder, "What if, at the end of my life, I learn that I've had it all wrong?" Like, what if I had the wrong idea of what I was supposed to do with my life, of how I spent my time, or of what pleases God when it comes to all of these political debates, or whatever. 

And today, I realized: as long as I'm loving God and loving other people, what is there to regret?? He knows me - he knows what I don't understand and what I really desire. I don't even know myself that well, but he does. He does not expect anyone of us to be perfect, and we shouldn't expect that of ourselves or of each other. 

Don't I believe God is grace? Is that just a cute saying, or do I really believe He is gracious enough to not expect me to be perfect, but to love me anyway and to welcome me to Him even if I didn't quite understand it all? Even bigger: do I believe the same thing is true for people who aren't like me? 

Didn't He tell us, above anything else, to love Him and to love our neighbors? Yes, He did. So, here's to no regrets - here's to not having to be on the right or wrong end of politics, here's to loving others not because they are on one particular side of a debate, but just loving them because they are people and because God said to do it. And here is to becoming more aware of the people around me and really loving all people, not just the ones in my contact list.

dating and green grass

Maybe it was the guy who grilled me on a first-interview (I mean, a first-date) on my thoughts on abortion and other political hot-topics. I mean, that was less fun than my political science course at UGA. Or, the guy who, within an hour of meeting me started calling me "babe" and holding my waist as if I didn't know how to walk around all my life before meeting him. That was less fun than going to the dentist, and I fear dentist visits. So, that date was less fun than fear... Or, it could be that time when the guy I was dating, on Valentine's day, took a detour to the grocery store to get his mom some chocolates (very sweet) - OH, AND we went to get his 20-year-old beautiful best friend a box of chocolates, too, so we could deliver them. <-- sorry to that guy if he ever reads this. I'm not naming names. He's a really great person, but can we all agree that THAT was weird... and embarrassing. Oh, and there is always that first-date when the nice med student asked me if I'd ever been to New England, and I said, "Oh, no... I've never actually been out of the country." My bad. I was terribly young and not well-traveled (I think that's obvious). OH - AND, the guy on the dating website (yes, I did that) that just wanted to go ahead and let everyone know upfront that....... he's married. WELCOME to dating in the 21st century. Oh yeah --- I almost forgot about the time I was hanging out with a date and staring at his ex-girlfriend's picture the whole time. 

So, someone ask me again: "Why don't you like dating?" Are any of my married-with-children friends still jealous of all of my glorious freedom?? I was actually trying to be silly and funny when I started writing this --- and now, I'm afraid people might be sad for me? :) Truly, I laugh at every one of these things, NOW. I might not have then, but I definitely add them to the list of "reasons I'm single" and "things that make me, me." I was remembering all of these things because I was thinking about how a lot of people, probably women specifically, seem to think the grass is greener on the other side. I've definitely had a few remarks made in my direction about how nice it must be that I can just drop what I'm doing and grab lunch with a friend. Or, how nice that I can go off for the weekend without any worries. I've even been confronted about how much time I spend with one group of friends vs. another. No one said it in any obvious harsh way to flat-out criticize me, but it definitely made an impression.  Now, I'm not talking about my friend Molly, who openly tells me how we need to just trade lives for a day (she and I joke and talk real life - there's no sneaky snake talk there). But, I'm talking about when people say things with something like a backhanded slap. A sneaking-around-the-corner way of trying to, I don't know, make me feel bad for not having a family of my own? For spending my time how I want to spend my time? I used to just think, "I guess they're just jealous," and brush that kind of thing off. But, I'm actually not that strong. It started to annoy me. For a second, I even let someone else's feelings affect mine, and I actually started thinking, "AM I a selfish person just because I'm single?" Once I realized I was actually allowing another person's feelings to affect my own, then I started thinking about what was really happening. And, here's my theory. So many of us are so insecure and can't allow ourselves to be content with our own lives. It's not just simply that some married-with-children friends are jealous that their single friends have more free time to do with as they choose. I don't think they LIKE to think that we're all selfish people because we're single and because we like having friends and doing fun things. I'm not going to try to defend myself of being selfish, because I do think I'm selfish. I think we are all (married and single) pretty selfish when we look at many of our true motives for the things we do and say. But, I think some married people occasionally want something different for just a minute, or they feel like they are missing out. And, they want a little more freedom in their own lives for just a little while. Who wouldn't? They don't not want their families - they just get bogged down, and they maybe want a small taste of what they think it is that we have. That sounds healthy and normal to me --- until you make someone feel guilty for leading the life they are given. That's where insecurities can get nasty. 

Same thing goes for single people. Plenty of single people are jealous of married people. And, it's not just that they're jealous, end of story. It's that they see what someone else has, and they feel like they are missing out. Like they aren't receiving as many blessings as someone else and that it isn't fair. To which I say - you've just gotta get over that thought process. Some single people desperately feel the need to be loved by someone else and would do almost anything to have the kind of love that they imagine other people have. Some single people feel like they are "less than" enough because they don't have a family of their own. Like they are not enough or have no purpose of their own. That kind of thinking makes me so sad. I'm a big believer in YOU ARE ENOUGH. Actually, God is enough for you. I'm sure that sounds so very Christian cliché, but if you believed it - you would know what I mean. YES, desire marriage, desire love, desire a family --- but don't desire it because you think you aren't enough on your own. Lies. I'm (not) sorry to break it to you, but YOU CAN'T HAVE IT ALL. At least not until you realize that you don't have to have it all, to have it all. Make sense?! It's just a fact of life that no one wants to come to terms with. You can certainly have enough --- but we're never happy with enough. We want MORE. We're always wanting what we don't have. Would any happily married people who get a twinge of single-freedom jealousy want to leave behind the family they've worked so hard to create to live a single life like me??? NO. I seriously thought about this question from the single-end of things, and thought, "would any single person want to leave behind their single life and be married," and the answer is, I think, yes. You're losing some freedom, yes, but you're not losing anyone - you're gaining. So this question doesn't work as well as I was hoping it would. But, if I tweak the question a bit, the truth is: Would I ever leave behind my life to live the same life that someone else has? NO! I cannot think of one person in my life that I know that I would want to live exactly like. That is the beauty of having your own God-given life. It's your unique life. I would never trade my life in for someone else's. Not that my friends' lives look bad or less-than at all... but it's not mine. It isn't just right for me. It wasn't meant to be mine, and I wouldn't be happy with it. Not even to be someone who was rich, had a perfectly loving family with just the right balance of everything, a job that I love, with no concerns in the world. I wouldn't desire this --- because I know IT DOESN'T EXIST. There is no perfect example out there that we can reach on this earth. Sure, there are families and couples and single people that make it look easy - but no one's life is worth trading your own. Everyone has to do the best with the life they are given. Mainly because, that's just how life is and Freaky Friday and The Change Up are just movies. And we have to find the best parts of the life we're given. I realize that is easy for a girl in my position to say - someone with a loving family, the best friends, enough faith to keep me going, with all of my needs met. It is harder to imagine for the person who is down on their luck - who has lost a job, can't pay their bills, for someone who is living in a battered women's shelter, a child who is shuffled around in foster care. Do I believe there are bright spots in their lives as well? I honestly do, though I would not judge them for not noticing or caring much about them in their current position. And, this leads me to what I think would help us all with our insecurities and our comparisons and our jealousy: do something for the people I mentioned in the last few sentences. Put a little focus outside of your own family and friends, and on those people who really struggle with the basic necessities of life that we easily take for granted. Those things that most of us have without even thinking about it, whether we are single or married: shelter, food, clothing, love, protection. Stop focusing on what we don't have enough of and what others have more of, and start giving what you DO have to those who have actual, tangible reasons to feel needy. They could probably teach us more than we could give them. And, we may even start to appreciate all the things we already have a little more.

Be The Hands And Feet

Just wanted to share a blog with anyone who hasn't seen this yet. It's called Be The Hands And Feet. From what I understand, this ministry was started by a girl when she was 18 or so (I might be making that up), and they take care of orphans in Uganda. I love reading their stories. Some are very sad, but it is so eye-opening (heart-opening). Anyone want to go with me one day??? haha.
Also, there is another blog called Sarah's Covenant Homes (or something like that, you can look it up on my page). This ministry is in India. They have so many kids in their home with such a variety of developmental and medical issues. I think a lot of the kids are left abandoned because of their conditions. The writer of the blog (and I assume she is the creator of the ministry), is not a medical professional, but she, along with all of the others in the ministry, is able to give the kids the care they need at home, and they are able to take the kids to the doctors and specialists they need. I guess they raise money through the blog and through other means to pay for the surgeries that the kids need. It's awesome.
I am inspired by these women who dedicate their lives to serve these people in other, remote places.
I have heard that miracles are more present in places like these, where there may be less distraction and more reliance on God for all needs. I want to see that!! I always believe that God can do and heal ANYTHING and make seemingly impossible things become possible. I know He does that here, too, but I wonder if a whole new perspective would be gained in somewhere like Uganda or India.

Iron

Over the last few months, I've been so tired. I have slacked on exercising, and I have not been doing as much stuff after work as I usually do. Mainly, I've been working and taking naps. I didn't know what the problem was. I was hoping that I didn't just all of a sudden become a lazy person! Sometimes, I'd drive home from work and think that I really need to exercise that day... at least go for a walk. And then, I'd see someone on the street walking, and I would just think, whew I couldn't even do THAT right now. I felt like my legs were weak just thinking about walking. How crazy! That just didn't seem like me. Earlier this year I was running semi-regularly, to get ready for a long race, so I was staying pretty active. Now, I couldn't even THINK about even taking a walk.
So, I felt like I should set up a doctors appointment, but I just kept putting it off. I don't like medicine and I don't necessarily like going to the doctor.
Well, eventually, I set up that doctors appointment, which was yesterday.
3 hours after I walk into the office, I leave, with one prescription for every hour I was there!
Turns out that I do have a low blood count, anemia, so I need to take an iron supplement and change my diet. I'm glad it can be treated like that, but to be honest, I don't like having to think so much about my diet. I don't eat terribly as it is, though I could use some adjusting. I don't eat much fried food, maybe once/week, and I try to limit myself on snacks and sweets and stuff like that... but I do love sweets. But, I guess I don't eat enough of the RIGHT stuff, like vegetables and meats, etc. Now, I'm going to need to really concentrate on getting enough greens and meats into my diet I guess, if I want to have any energy.
Anyway, I also needed an antibiotic for a small infection, and the doctor thinks I have a hormone imbalance, so she prescribed a birth-control pill to control that. I didn't really understand all of that, but I'm thinking it will help my 'monthly happenings' to be a little less achy, so I'm ok with that!
So... I guess I was due for a doctors appointment. I am glad to finally have something to try to get my energy back. I HATE feeling so tired. I feel so lazy. So, hopefully with this Iron, and then with the other meds, I'll start feeling like new! If not, she'll check my thyroid in a few months... but I'm counting on all of this new 'stuff' to work!
Oh, she also recommended a specific soap for my face. I'm not gonna lie, I didn't not come out of that doctors appointment with a very good self-image. First, she tells me that I am pale (probably due to the anemia), and then she points out the darker color of the hair on my arms and says that's due to a little hormone imbalance, AND she keeps asking me about acne... thanks, lady!? Haha. Just kidding, she was pretty nice and I'm glad she was willing to help me with taking care of all my issues!
Now, I'm hoping that Iron kicks in before Saturday - I've got a MUD RUN to do!

2nd Birthday

Tomorrow, someone special to me is celebrating their 2nd Birthday! Not a regular birthday, but a day to recognize 2 years of sobriety. Since it's called Alcoholics ANONYMOUS, I guess I won't give the person's name. If you know me well, then you know who it is, and I'm sure he doesn't mind anyone knowing anyway. In fact, he loves to share his story.

I can't even properly express how proud I am of this person. He's always been a loving, funny, caring person. Thankfully, alcoholism didn't take these perfect qualities away from him... and again, thankfully, sobriety didn't change these characteristics either. He is still the same, hilarious, goofy, sweet, sarcastic person I knew before. But now, he actually cares about his own life and what his purpose in life is. He has been able to look at life clearly, and not just live life day-to-day with the same routine of work, home, drink, recover, work, drink, home, drink, recover, etc... with the ocassional desire to change but never really doing anything about it.

Now, he is so thoughtful about what he is doing, how he is treating people, the decisions he is making... and coincidentally, things in his life seem to be much smoother than they were before. He shows up to get-togethers actually wanting to be there and wanting to spend time with family and friends.

I am SO glad that he came to the decision to make this change in his life. He will admit that it wasn't easy - but he will also admit that making the change was SO much better than he ever thought it would be. While he was in that cloud of drinking (to forget, to get through something, to relax, whatever his reasons), he couldn't imagine giving it up completely - how lame, how dumb, what was wrong with getting drunk anyway, it's not like he was a raging alcoholic...any excuse he could think of, I'm sure - he couldn't see the real benefits of quitting compeltely. I think it sounded like more work to him than it should be, or that it couldn't be 'that much better.' But, he found out in little time that it was the best thing for him. It cleared his mind and heart, it allowed him to actually deal with the issues that were deep inside, and it helped him to forgive (others, himself, whoever) and to look to God to show him how to live.

You can tell how much happier he is. You can tell where his priorities lie. And he still is the same person, in a way, in all the right ways. It didn't make him less funny or less fun or anything like that. It made him better in every sense.

I am so proud. And so happy. Sobriety has made him truly seek and know who Christ is. We have more conversations than I've had with most people about God and his purposes and our purposes in God's plan. He has it all. I think he trusts Christ a lot more than some people I know who have claimed to trust Christ for years. At least his life and attitude show it.

This has been prayed for by his family members for years... and I think it is the perfect testament to others to prove that prayer works, and that God does listen, and He CAN change people - note - I said HE can change people in this way, WE DON'T change them. I do believe the individual person has to come to the point or decision where they are willing to give something up in order to make this change - and once they make the decision, then God is there all the way. The verse that says, "Raise up a child in the way he should go, and he shall not depart from it," or something like that - it is true. They will come back to Christ. That gives me hope for others that I've known that are in a place like this person was. I believe that God can and wants to bring all of His children back to Him. So, given God's timing and good purpose, they will come back to Him. I believe it.

you can change your mind

A quick blog to say that... one of the biggest things that keeps me excited about life (besides just everything about God and how he completes my life) is the fact that I am not confined to anything. Nothing says that I can't change my mind and have a new career. Nothing says that I can't move to wherever I want to move. At any point in time.

Now, do I need to be responsible about these choices? YES! Personally, for me, I have a lot of things that I want to pay off (hence one of the previous blogs about debt elimination). So, yes, I want to take care of that before I make any changes, if I decide to make them. But, that is completely in my control. I can make that decision, conquer that goal, and choose to take a new path in life.

That, to me, makes life so interesting and open and unpredictable. I love it.

The one thing that I have not figured out is if I would still have this freedom to change if I were married. And maybe that is a good reason I am not married yet. Two people are involved in marriage (unless you are on Big Love), and one person doesn't just decide to jump up and move without considering the other person's desires (well, not if you love each other, that is).

I could be in trouble one day - this is the thing that makes me nervous about that kind of life-commitment. All I know is that if that time ever comes - I'd better either be very settled in where I am, or I'd better wait for someone who is just as open to 'change' as I am.

Right now, and hopefully always, I am open and excited to see life unfold... and hopefully will enjoy all the steps to every new chapter.

Loving the chapter I'm in right now... if it were a movie, I feel like I'm at the beginning of my 'montage.' :)

a (busy) day in the life...

Look at this - a THIRD post in one week... :)

I just thought I'd talk a little bit about work today. Today was such a busy day, and I love these days the best. I always feel a little guilty saying that, seeing as how I work in a hospital - and a busy day for me means that people are sick or in pain or having to have surgery or procedures... not good!

Anyway, on with the day. I work in the Burn Clinic in the mornings, and lately there have not been so many kids. However, today made up for the entire week! I think the most interesting thing I saw today was a little girl having her head scanned so that a mask can be made for her. This mask is used to cover the burn scars on her face. Putting pressure on those scars with a mask help to keep the scars from building up and becoming thick. Anyway, the process was so unique and interesting. The PT (side note: I love the girls in PT that I get to work with - they always let observe new things they are doing and let me know when there are kids that could use help , too!) Anyway, they have this computer attached to a scanner - the scanner looks just like one in a store. She scans the person's face all over, and the person's image appears on the screen in 3D (4D?). She did this a few times to make sure that a good complete picture was made. Then she sends all of those scans in to a company that makes the mold for the mask. When it comes back to the hospital here, they can melt plastic over the mold and fit the mask to the person's face. Technology is crazy! (And expensive, by the way)
Well, the little patient today did SO WELL. She held so still and I think she even liked it :) When she first came into the clinic, she was scared and didn't want anyone to come near her, because she knows exactly what kinds of things happen in the clinic (dressing changes, blood pressure, things that 3 year olds don't like). But, we showed her exactly what the scanner did, and she thought it was pretty neat. She was so cute.

There were many other patients in the clinic which kept me pretty busy. One child had an MRSA abscess. Usually, people with these will have surgery, so the infection is removed from inside and then packed with medicine (this paper-like medicine that literally is packed into the wound). Then they come back to have the dressing changed and the medicine taken out, and then the wound has to be re-packed with medicine until it is healed. This patient is great - talkative and a good personality... did great with her surgery. She freaked out, though, when it came time to re-pack the wound - it really freaked her out that the medicine had to go inside a little bit - and WHO CAN BLAME HER - that freaks me out thinking about it! Anyway, finally the nurse said that she could do it herself if she wanted - so she did! All it took was her having a little control over her situation, and she actually packed her own wound! (It didn't have to go far in at all, just so you know... it's not like she was shoving anything into a big open wound ;).

So... after the clinic busy-ness... then comes the scariest part of the day. While walking down one of the hallways, I hear this man yelling so loud. Then, I see a woman walking very quickly away from the man. He's yelling at her to come back and walking toward her. I have no clue what it was about, but that man was so mad... like so angry it makes you nervous to be around, and it gives me chill bumps. I hate when people get that angry - it's so scary - you just wonder what they are going to do. Anyway, I had to walk past him to get to where I was going, and the whole time I'm just thinking 'Please don't swing at me, please don't hit me." I think he was blind (he had these shades on), so I was scared he would hear my footsteps and think I was the woman and then he'd hit me. BUT he didn't :) So... security was called, and I guess that was taken care of. When I see stuff like that, I'm reminded of just how different some people's lives are. I can't imagine being as angry as that man - and I can't imagine being the person he is mad at... that has to be scary. I always wonder what people's lives are like when they are in their homes, away from public... makes me sad.

So, after that, I was planning to meet another one of the PT girls to work with one particular little patient that has been in the hospital almost as long as I've been there. I can't give any details of the patient, but this child is so special and is going through unimaginable life circumstances at such a young age. I feel constantly challenged at trying to 'reach' this child and to help her have a little normalcy in the hospital. For weeks, I've been trying to think of different ways we can 'play'... this child's mobility is extremely limited, so ya gotta get creative. Anyway, I made this Memory game that we can play together. Actually the game company made the game - ha - I just adapted it to be able to play on a stand-up board. Put velcro on the pieces and cover up a big wooden screen with felt, and you have a stand-up memory game! We played that while he was having PT, and honestly, she did not seem very interested - but then again, lately he has not been responding back much to us at all. Usually, she shakes or nods her head to respond, but I think he has been agitated lately... so I've seen lots more "NO" shakes than head nods lately! Anyway - after PT, I stayed around to play some more, and I figured she just wanted to watch movies as usual. As soon as I took the game down, he got upset, so I put it back up and asked if she wanted to play - and he nodded! Woohoo - she likes it! I know that sounds so trivial - but I was just so excited that she actually found something he liked besides a movie! She actually likes to be read to, too, but we've done so much of that - I think he really needs something new and different. So... I think now that I have that board set up, we could probably adapt a lot of other things to do with it... so we'll see :)

All in all, it was such a productive day at work! Those don't happen every day, but it is so rejuvenating when they do. Even on these days, I still feel like I'm a slacker... I still didn't see all the kids upstairs, and I want to start working with kids in the OR more - prep them for surgery, check in while they are waiting... but something is just keeping me from diving in full force there. Today was too busy with the clinic and the other patients, and I wouldn't have made it to the OR anyway - but hopefully I'll start feeling more comfortable in all areas of the hospital and be able to do more there.

Fall

A friend of mine told me that she never looks at my blog because I never post anything new, and when I finally do, it is 3 miles long. HAHA. And that is so true :) So, in an effort to blog more, I'm just gonna write something today, and that will make twice in one week! How's that, Katie?

I will just say how much I LOVE Fall, and how ready I am for it! Here are some reasons I love it so much:

1. It's cooler.
2. The leaves are pretty.
3. Windy.
4. Everything smells better in Fall.
5. Halloween AND Thanksgiving, and the beginning of Christmas season.
6. Christmas music, everywhere.
7. A happy feeling that comes from I don't know where... just happy because it's Fall.
8. Festivals outside. And the weather during the festivals.
9. Wearing jeans and long sleeve shirts and feeling great without having to bundle up too much, but not feeling hot either.
10. All the decorations in the stores.
11. I just think of 'family' when I think of Fall, probably because of the holidays.
12. Cinnamon and Pumpkin spice
13. I'm more likely to exercise in Fall.
14. Hiking is appealing. Notice I did not say that I do it... but I'd like to, and Fall is the perfect time to start :)
15. Charlie Brown Specials

I'm sure there are many many more :) I've already started to feel the cooler weather in the mornings and at night - yay, it's coming!

Lately...

My mind seems to move at 100mph pretty regularly. It is not that I am not satisfied where I am right now... but I am always looking forward to what might be next.

Lately, on my mind constantly is missions. I have thought about it for so many years, but I have not done much about it. I don't know why. It does seem kind of daunting. Even the act of going on a week-long mission trip requires raising the money to do it. And, I have enough money issues as it is. The thought of raising support for long-term missions just seems impossible... and unappealing! It's not, of course, but I think my pride is too human to feel good about raising money. I think I would rather find a way to work for it... though that may take years!

But, that should never stop me from going. I think I'm probably mostly just scared. It is a big commitment.

Anyway - it's not like I'm going right now or any time very soon... who knows. I just think about it a lot.

But, in order to prepare myself for my next step - whether that means missions far away, or something more local - I am going to make some changes.

For one - I have had a debt building up since I moved back from Charleston - because I was in between jobs and still having a house payment (bad combination). So, my goal right now is: OPERATION DEBT ELIMINATION. It's not an insane amount, but it's way more than I'd ever like to have (which is zero).

So, I'm thinking of different ways to work toward this goal. That begins with spending less (duh). I have spent so much time and money lately on travel and fun... so NO MORE FUN! Just kidding :) But, I am going to get my priorities in line and cut down on the 'fun' money and time, and focus on using my time to earn money to pay off everything. That might mean a night/weekend part-time job, or teaching piano on the side, or finding a way to play piano at weddings and stuff like that, housesitting - whatever!

After I pay it off, then I plan on earning money so I can hopefully find a trip to Africa to take... and THEN we will see where that leads.

So here goes... :)

Simple Saturday

There was nothing out of the ordinary about today. I think that is what made it so great. For once, I stayed in Augusta this weekend. And, I slept in this morning. I read a little, listened to some new slow music, took my time getting ready and actually blow dried my hair. I met a friend for lunch and saw a movie (Eat, Pray, Love) with other friends. I went to the store and made homemade guacamole while listening to music, and then headed out to a friend's engagement party. It was actually pretty full, I guess... but it was just so nice to let the day just happen. Nothing was really planned, except for the party, of course. I love days like this. I also do love going out of town, but I do it so much that I really look forward to weekends with nothing planned.

I also LOOOVE living back in my house. I think I've realized that I love big social time just as much as I love personal, quiet time. And, I can't believe it, but I really love cooking and having good music on in the background.

New things I'm discovering all the time. :) I think there is definitely something to be said about simplicity. My life seems so far from it, as far as my schedule goes, anyway. But, it really is the slow, quiet things that sometimes feel so good.

As far as stuff, actual material things, goes... I have been working on simplicity for a while now. Maybe it started when I moved to Charleston and then started changing residencies every 6 months... out of a need to downsize and make moving easier. And maybe it magnified after reading a little Francis Chan. But, I long to be more simple. To have the things in life I actually need, and less of the things that are just 'extra.' That was easier when I was not living in my house. Now that I have moved back in, it's a bigger challenge to not want to accumulate just stuff to 'fill the spaces' or decorate. But, I feel like it's going pretty well, so far.

I want to appreciate life, and I want to experience life outside of my own. I don't want to be wasteful and get wrapped up in things that don't matter. I want there to be a purpose behind everything, and I don't EVER want to just exist. (This is getting a little deeper than I intended, ha). I don't want to miss learning or miss out on something I should have seen or done because I was so busy filling in my 'quiet time' with stuff and activity.

So... simplicity is my ongoing goal.

righteousness through faith

You know how you just kind of get in a funk sometimes? I have had a good share of them over the last few years, but a lot of good has come from them, so I'm not going to complain about them. Anytime I am in one of these funks now, I know that I am going to learn something sooner or later ;)

This past year has been so great - I've developed such a great group of friends and had good times with my older friends. I feel like I've done so much and been on so many fun trips. It really has been awesome. But, even with so many good things going on, I still hit a funk. Nothing like the funks I've been in in the past, but still, not a good feeling. I saw a funk defined once as "less than a depression and more than just a bad day." That's pretty good...

In my case, there is always a specific incident that brings on something like that, but the actual situation doesn't matter too much. "Situations" always involve people... and feelings. And situations that put someone into a funk usually involve negative feelings. And the heart of the matter is not what someone or I did or said (or didn't do or say), but the heart of the matter is WHY I feel the way I feel. I think we automatically want to blame other people for the way we feel - when really, it truly only comes down to ourselves. And, I usually need to ask myself: "Why do I feel this way? Why does this make me upset/angry/sad/frustrated?" Instead of: "Why does he/she do this or that?" Hopefully that makes sense.

We can't blame other people for our feelings. (Yes, sometimes we are definitely 'attacked,' but I'm not referring to that kind of situation). I think we need to try to understand why we feel the way we feel, and trust God to work this out through us. I'm not saying that we should forget about other people, but we just need to recognize that our problems exist because WE are human and imperfect ourselves.

Even though I KNOW this, I usually blame others for a while before I start remembering that it's really not about them at all - it's me. Ugh, when will I learn?! ;)

Anyway, through this funk, the latest lesson I've been learning is this: "righteousness comes through faith." I don't think I ever really even tried to understand what that means. I probably just read it years, maybe even months ago and thought, "yeah, sure, OK. righteousness comes through faith. faith is good. good." Seriously, I don't think I put any thought into it.

Until lately. I have been trying SOOO hard to act "right" (or "right"eous). I always want to come across as if I have it together and as if I know how to treat everyone with perfect love and forgiveness, even if things aren't perfect. Even when I'm dying inside from frustration or annoyance and I and want nothing more than to disappear from a situation, I'm hoping to come across as calm, cool and collected. Ha - well I know that doesn't happen, because I end up coming across as AWKWARD. That's me for sure. Or, maybe I seem really rude... I hate that.
the last thing I want is to be that way... but it's like I can't help it. If I'm in a situation and I don't want to be there, I'm going to try to be nice and normal, but I'm probably going to be very distant and wrapped up in my head and emotions. I may not proclaim my emotions, but I definitely can't hide them. Wow, that is something I know and really dislike about myself! It's kind of like what Paul says about our heart desiring to be one way (the good way), but our body (flesh) doing the exact thing that we hate. It is such a battle... a constant one sometimes.

The stupid thing is - I'd be the first one to say that "We should all be honest with each other about our weaknesses and failures, etc." And, I do really believe that - but when it comes to personal in-the-moment situations, I now see that I SOOO try to hide my real (weak) self. Which is pointless, because it shows anyway.

So - - - when I do have these moments when I am having such a hard time loving and accepting and being "right" and being a good friend even when I'm hurt and frustrated - - - I am totally thrown off. Generally, I get along with people really well. I really do love people pretty easily. And I HATE it when I struggle with relationships with others. I hate when I know that I am being judgemental and critical. Yet, I don't know how to stop it. And, I try so hard to NOT be that way, that I get even more frustrated when I can't fix myself. Usually, I assume that intentionally putting myself in the very situation that frustrates me will force me to HAVE to overcome the challenge... like I can be "the bigger person" and act (even make myself believe) as if nothing is bothering me. But what I have learned is that it only makes it worse. And it takes me FOREVER to come to terms with that.

This has been driving me crazy for a long time now. And FINALLY, I read something last week that made ALL the difference. Or maybe it was a combination of things that I was reading. Anyway, the thing that stuck out was that RIGHTEOUSNESS (becoming more like Christ) comes through FAITH. We cannot become righteous on our own - I cannot "fix myself." As much as I want to be different, I can't "make myself good." I can't put myself in an awkward situation enough times until I just become a better person on my own. Only by having FAITH that God is going to change me - knowing that I can stop trying so hard to be 'better' - will I actually change.

In my case, I really believe that taking myself away from the 'situation' and distancing just a little bit is what God has wanted me to do. My natural instinct is to believe that this MUST be wrong - why would God want me to get away from a situation if I am supposed to be learning how to love others more? It doesn't make sense to my brain... but, when do God's plans make a whole lot of sense to me anyway?

I was reading something today that talked about Mary (Jesus' mother) and how weird God's plan was for her. Why would he decide to make Mary pregnant when she wasn't even married. What must her neighbors have thought?? Didn't it seem too scandalous?? But really, it wasn't scandalous at all. Everyone else may have thought it was - but they didn't really know the whole story. Only God did and does.

So, when I think it's crazy that I need to take myself out of a situation that I am trying to improve... I have to remember that just because I don't think it seems right doesn't mean that it isn't right. Obviously, all of my OWN efforts were in vain and just brought me lower and lower. Just because it might seem strange to other people doesn't mean that God doesn't want me to do it.

Anyway - that's just a random thought. The main point is that God is the one who will make me righteous. I can stop trying to force myself to be nice and sweet and polite and loving - (when really I am negative and hurtful and angry and critical on the inside) - and I can trust that if I can just "be still," seek Him by knowing Him more, and do what God wants of me, even if it seems weird, then GOD WILL CHANGE MY HEART.

I have already noticed Him working, even just in how my anxiety has changed. I've been so hyped up about all of this that my stomach has been in knots and my heart races sometimes just out of pure frustration that I CAN'T be a better person and I don't know how to handle my situation. And finally, once I learned this lesson, my anxiety lessened almost immediately. It was crazy! I'm not saying that I am 100% - I never will be cured of pride here on this earth - BUT, a profound difference has been made because of God alone - and I can trust that He IS CHANGING me even still. I still may have a ways to go, and I may not be completely out of that funk - but I don't have to force myself to do anything anymore. It would all be in vain anyway. He is working in me. Righteousness comes by faith. He IS changing my heart and softening it and helping me to love more.

I am starting to learn that I can always trust Him to teach me something great through any funk I may have...

His ways are not my ways, nor His thoughts my thoughts. His ways are higher. Thank GOD. :)

A Survey

Welcome to the new 2010 edition of getting to know your family and friends. Here is what you are supposed to do, and try not to spoil the fun. Change all the answers so that they apply to you. Have fun and be truthful! I want to see your answers!! Link up at the end so we can share in your answers!

1. What is your occupation right now? Child Life Specialist
2. What color are your socks right now? none
3. What are you listening to right now? whatever is on the TV in the background
4. What was the last thing that you ate? half of a snickers
5. Can you drive a stick shift? my brother tried to teach me years ago and i might remember how, but it would be BUMPY
6. Last person you spoke to on the phone: my niece ;) she has been calling lately... i guess the phone is a new-found treat for her
7. Do you like the person who sent this to you? i stole it from denise's page, and yes i love her :)
8 . How old are you today? 27
9. What is your favorite sport to watch on TV? gymnastics
10. What is your favorite drink? lipton green tea
11. Have you ever dyed your hair? 2 or 3 times
12. Favorite food? not sure what my very favorite is... i have always loved the chicken/mashed potatoes/green beans combo ;)
13. What is the last movie you watched? Leap Year
14. Favorite day of the year? well that changes every year...
15. How do you vent anger? cry, exercise, write
16. What was your favorite toy as a Child? cricket doll or playdoh
17. What is your favorite season? summer or fall
18. Cherries or Blueberries? cherries
18. Do you want your friends to continue to post? sure:)
19. Who is the most likely to respond?
20. Who is least likely to respond?
21. Living arrangements? please ask me again in 6 months when I will be back in my townhouse ;)
22. When was the last time you cried? sometime last week
23. What is on the floor of your closet? shoes
24. Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending to?
25. What did you do last night? had a good jteam get-together
26. Plain, cheese, or spicy hamburgers? cheese
27. What are you most afraid of? having it all wrong
28. What is your favorite kind of dog? i've always said weimaraner... but i don't know now... maybe irish or airedale terrier or labs...
29. Favorite day of the week? yeah saturday :)
30. Diamonds or Pearls? pearls
31. What is your favorite flower? Callalillies
32. What is your favorite blog to read? I only really read Denise's and Kristen's, so theirs ;) I need to jump on the whole blog thing... or do I?

Free

I don't have a long post for today... but what I wish I would remember day in and day out is: IT IS ABOUT GOD. NOT ME. IT IS ALL ABOUT HIM. THIS LIFE IS NOT REALLY MINE. IT IS HIS. IT WAS MEANT TO PRAISE HIM AND TO BRING HONOR TO HIM.

Can I remember that this week? Tomorrow? The rest of tonight? When I am talking with people? When I am frustrated over something that I think is so important? When I am alone? When I am having fun? When I am running? When I am driving? And on, and on, and on.

Someone I love is in a recovery program and he said that they just focus on the current day... "Can I get through TODAY without (fill in your vice)." He loves it, and apparently it is a great method to recovery.

So... maybe I can just focus on the moment, on today. Can I remember this hour, this moment that MY LIFE BELONGS TO GOD - EVERYTHING IS ABOUT HIM.

Books

Totally unrelated to my last post, I'm listing all the books recommended to me to read the other day... mainly because I am too lazy to write them all down, and I need to save them somewhere so I won't forget them... :)

"The Eye of the World" Robert Jordon
"Sundays at Tiffanys" James Patterson
"Searching for God Knows What" Donald Miller
here's part of my skeptical delimma... I've heard his books can be a
little iffy... but what do I know if I haven't read it for myself?
Because then again, I read someone's book (MacArthur) who is very
different from Miller, and I started getting frustrated with that
person... so what's the deal... I need to remember - these are all
PEOPLE. This isn't God's Word itself... so I have to remind myself to
not put more emphasis on it anyway.
"The Pleasures of God" John Piper - don't think I've ever doubted him before...
"Death by Love" Mark Driscoll
Fiction by George Orwell
"Shantaram" - looked it up, and not even understanding where that book is going
"How People Grow" Cloud and Townsend
"Shattered Dreams" Larry Crabb - Katie D. described this one to me, and it may be my first choice.
"Everyone Poops" :) twice!
"The Shack" read it
Anything by Lori Copeland
"Water for Elephants"
"Something Borrowed" "Something Blue" Emily Griffin
"A Million Miles in a Thousand Years" Donald Miller again
"Slaughter House 5" what?
"The Pursuit of God" A.W. Tozer
"South of Broad" "The Help" Pat Conroy
"Redeeming Love" Francine Rivers - already one of my favorites
"Satisfy My Thirsty Soul"
and... a cook book.

:)

P.S. if these blogs give you any glimpse into my head - then you've already come to realize how over-analytical I am and how I might be clinically unstable. I should definitely be giving my brain at LEAST an 8-hour break at night.

Why Is It Bad When It's Good?

I don't know what is going on lately, but I am in some kind of funk. Which is weird because nothing is going wrong. Things are actually really good. I'm excited about starting the new job. Just finished orientation today and now I'm ready to actually get in there and start doing some stuff! Everything else is really good... spending time with the people I love ALL THE TIME. Fun trips, fun nights, fun days, meaningful job. I am constantly grateful for the relationships all around me.
But, in the middle of all of this goodness, I am so skeptical. That is the one word I have been using to describe this 'condition,' or whatever you want to call it. It all boils down to spirituality and my relationship with Christ. I will always have a relationship with Him, but I have been ignoring it lately. I *hate* admitting that, but it's not like I'm going to pretend like it's normal when it's not. I despise being fake about God or trying to put on a good act.

I feel like Satan is tempting me and I am not doing anything about it... and I do not know why. I am skeptical about everything I read or hear about Christ (outside of the Bible). I am so judgemental of others - and how can I be judgemental EVER - ESPECIALLY when I'm in such a funk? I doubt churches and the reasons behind the things they do, I doubt some leaders that I know of (not where I attend), I doubt the kind of teaching I hear - not that I think anything wrong is being taught where I attend, but I am skeptical of different methods of teaching sometimes - which leads me to be really slack about listening. So when I could be hearing a great message, instead I'm trying to find something to pick-apart. That just isn't like me, I don't think. I doubt others' motives, constantly. I doubt the way some people 'do ministry' (which is such a typical modern religious term that I didn't know how to avoid just now, sorry). It's insane. I think I know some deeper places where this stems from - and in some ways, being skeptical is not always bad... but it has become more of a judgemental kind of thing, which is NOT good. It is keeping me from my own relationship with Christ and from trusting others who could otherwise be supporting my growth.

Or is it? Should I be skeptical of these things? Is there a fine line between being just skeptical enough and then going overboard and hindering my relationship with Christ? What should I be skeptical of?

Either way, I'm sure that God can bring good out of this season. I'm just ready to be in the next stage. I want to be SURE and I want to KNOW what to do.


I certainly have these desires to know more about Christ and way more about the Bible... but when I think about it, I get SO extremely overwhelmed and do not know where to even begin. I know I do not have the background knowledge to understand so many things in the Bible. I know there are books I can get and ways to study, but it's like I will not take the time to do any of that. Maybe it IS because I've been SO busy with the 'good' things in life. I really want to take Bible classes, and I have thought about signing up for some once I am settled in my new job... but am I supposed to wait until then to grow and learn? I'm sure I'm not. But in the meantime, I cannot, for the life of me, get motivated.

I don't even journal and pray like I used to. Every once in a while I journal, and I still pray every day, but not nearly as much as before. The closeness is not there right now, and I HATE that.

Why does it take a catastrophe to jump-start spiritual growth? It doesn't *have* to happen that way, does it? I hope not... but at the same time, if that is what it takes... am I open to that? Not that I would ask for something terrible to happen... but I do want lots of growth. And I do realize that sometimes growth comes through struggles. Ugh, I don't know.

Am I supposed to take practical steps for this? Am I supposed to force myself to read the Bible, even when I'm not paying very good attention? I know I can set aside more time to journal and pray, and I will do that... but for some reason, I hesitate at God's Word - I KNOW how terrible that sounds, yet I still do it. Because I am so frustrated that I will NOT understand it all. That's a huge part of it. So what to do?

As I'm typing, ideas come to mind... like maybe I will start focusing on passages that I already know and love. Psalm 139, James, some Philippians... maybe I will give that a try and just see if I can just focus on what I DO know and be reminded of THOSE promises... how could I not get closer to God if I am focusing on His Word?

Maybe typing this out was therapeutic. Who knows. If you read this and you pray, I'd love for someone else to pray for me about this. It is such a frustrating place. And, I truly do want God to do with my life what is BEST for Him... I know struggling is a part of everyone's life, and I know this is only a moment in time. But, I'd LOVE to get through it and get closer to Him.

Ugh - frustrating but honest.

Seek First...

I was looking through my little zip drive thing (I think that's what it's called - it holds files and pictures, and I can take it in and out of computers...). Anyway, it has some old stuff on it from a few years ago, and it happened to have this journal entry from about 2 1/2 years ago. This was during the almost lowest point I've ever experienced, but I guess it is proof that God was working in my life even at that lowest part (ESPECIALLY at that lowest part). It just happens that this point in life was when I was working in Children's Ministry in Charleston - by no means do I want anyone to think that Children's Ministry caused me to be low - not at all... there were many other things on my plate that were disappointing and revealing and confusing to me at the time.
Anyway, reading this again, I had a hard time believing that I had any kind of clarity during that time because I was SO defeated and upset and confused... but God was obviously in perfect control and used all of that year (or two) for His purposes. Anyway, just thought I'd share! I feel like I haven't been as close to Christ as I was during those years since then... I want that closeness again. I certainly don't desire those hard times, but I really do want to be in that position of seeking Christ and solely trusting Him...



Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Today, I came into the office about 9:45. I began journaling (I had done some earlier at the apartment). Then, I heard that there was a Staff Meeting at 10:15. Glad I got to work by 10! So, I didn’t have much time to do anything, so I think I read and wrote Philippians 4:6-7 a bunch. I have had such a hard time lately with everything going on. Totally brought on by myself… just to add. Anyway, I was really trying to focus on the phrase – Be anxious for NOTHING.
So then we had staff meeting, and Marshall presented a very powerful idea. That we get so wrapped up in seeking God FOR things, that we lose sight of seeking HIM. I know that every single thing I have heard lately has applied to my life. The things that Marshall spoke about this morning, the sermon that Woody gave Sunday morning, the message on Sunday night at the singles service, even the kids who I have been able to talk to with Marshall who are talking about accepting Christ. Their thoughts are so similar to mine it is crazy! I am amazed at the depth of this one little girl’s HONESTY about her faith and her struggle between her desire to know Him and her own selfish desires. And she is 9! And I am 25 and I am relating completely with her. It’s kind of funny but so great, too. It makes me wonder if everything really is connected and just goes down to ONE thing. I mean it seems that every single message, no matter what is spoken on, is relevant. I don’t know why I didn’t see this before. Or is it just that I am at such a “breaking” point, almost just a self-defeated kind of position where I need it ALL! And is “ALL” really just ONE thing – and that ONE thing is seeking Christ. And that is it. I do believe if I JUST set my sights on seeking Him, then every single thing left will fall into place.
It does feel good to say that. I don’t know why I make things so complicated. I put everything into it’s own category or perspective, and then I think I totally lose sight. I don’t know. It ALL comes down to seeking Christ. Matthew 6:32-33 – “For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.”
Before, I would have been drawn to “And all these things will be added to you,” thinking that THIS IS GREAT, If I just do this the right way, then “all these things will be added!” And it’s not wrong to pray for things that we think we need. And it is not wrong to pray for things that we even believe will work for the glory of God. BUT, “Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness.” That is the command. That should be my JOY to seek Him first. That is foremost. FIRST. Maybe I should carry around that with me and pull it out any and every time I take a breath!
I want to want it for the right reasons, too. Not to make myself feel better, but solely to seek Him. Because it brings Him glory. It honors Him.

What do I do?

I probably explain my career an average of 5 times a week. Even friends I've known for years still don't seem to get what I do. So... here it is, straight from the Child Life Council Website:

"Child life specialists are trained professionals with expertise in helping children and their families overcome life’s most challenging events.

Armed with a strong background in child development and family systems, child life specialists promote effective coping through play, preparation, education, and self-expression activities. They provide emotional support for families, and encourage optimum development of children facing a broad range of challenging experiences, particularly those related to healthcare and hospitalization. Because they understand that a child’s wellbeing depends on the support of the family, child life specialists provide information, support and guidance to parents, siblings, and other family members. They also play a vital role in educating caregivers, administrators, and the general public about the needs of children under stress."


I would say that in most areas of Child Life, there is no 'typical' day. I worked on a General Pediatrics floor for a few years, and I would see patients with long-term or terminal illnesses along with patients who were there for constipation, seizures, asthma, developmental delays, kidney problems, etc. So, sometimes, for one child, my goal might be to just help them through getting their IV and make sure they have activities to do to make things more normal while they are in the hospital for a day or two. And other times, I might have a long-term goal of helping a child to understand his/her new diagnosis and to cope more effectively with treatments that will change the routine of their life or physical appearance. Sometimes, a CLS might be with a family who is grieving the upcoming death of a child, and ten minutes later might be playing Wii with another child. The CLS is there for whatever that child and family's social/emotional needs are.

I think it is a really cool and unique position to have. We don't do any kinds of medical procedures, we just help the child through those procedures. We use medical play to help the child understand better what they are experiencing. Sometimes, we use pretend doctors kits, and sometimes we use 'professional' dolls and real medical equipment to act out actual procedures. That is pretty fun. We make prep books that show kids what to expect during things like Surgery or getting a PICC Line (like an IV that stays with you for a while so you can get things like antibiotics over a period of time). We do therapeutic-type art and play activities to help children process through their experiences. We answer questions and sometimes predict the questions that kids just won't ask out loud. When I worked at MCG, I was in charge of the Special Events for the kids, so I would set up groups to come into the hospital to provide fun for the kids (magicians, scrapbooking, pet therapy, holiday parties, musicians, sports players, etc). So pretty much anything that would make the hospital a little more bearable is what Child Life is for ;)

Hopefully that explains it a little better for anyone who hasn't heard of Child Life or who just hasn't understood it. Maybe it is something that you have to see to 'get.'

On Monday (7 days from now), I will begin a new Child Life position at Doctor's Hospital in Augusta. Doctor's has the largest burn unit in the southeast, with children and adults being treated from 7 different states in the southeast. They have never had a Child Life program or a Child Life Specialist, so I will be explaining myself a lot to nurses and staff there! Thanksfully, the Burn Unit Director, Doctor and Nurse Practioner are very knowledgeable about Child Life and are excited to get a program started. Right now, the children who are served at Doctor's are placed in the same unit as the adults. I walked through the unit during my interview, and it is pretty scary. Just a really scary place for a kid to have to be. There is nothing child-friendly about it. Plus, they are in rooms right next to severly burned adults... which probably looks a lot like what you might expect it to look like.
The good news is that in the Fall, there will be a BRAND NEW 16-bed Pediatric Burn Unit - just for kids!!
I think I have a big job ahead of me, but it is really exciting. My friends from MCG and I have talked for years about how we wish Doctor's had a Child Life program for the kids in the burn unit. So, this has been a long time coming! Along with the burn unit, there is also a 9-bed general pediatrics floor that I will work with, too... so that should be a little more familiar to me ;)
I am really excited about the new position. I don't know exactly what to expect, but I know that even the little changes made in the beginning will go a long way. I really think it is going to be cool... hard and challenging, but really great. And, I'm SO grateful to have my Child Life friends in Augusta for support. They will be an invaluable resource, I know!
So, I plan to blog about this little journey on starting the program at Doctors. The good, bad and ugly... but hopefully mostly good :)

Coming Up

I am so excited about the next few days. Tomorrow night I'm having a New Years party with some fun friends! Molly will be coming from Charleston to celebrate, which I'm excited about :)
Then, on Saturday, I am going to Passion in Atlanta with Denise and some people from my old church. I am SO excited to be able to listen to some of the most well-spoken speakers/preachers around now. I'm hoping to learn a lot and to start the New Year off by growing closer to Christ. John Piper, Francis Chan, Andy Stanley, Louie Giglio... and Christy Nockels singing! woohoo :) I'm also excited to take the trip with Denise! We live in the same town, but I don't get to catch up with her enough!
And then... one more week of work, and THEN a WEEK OFF before I start my new job! During that week, I am going to Raleigh to visit my friend Stacey (one of my Charleston buddies). I have not been able to visit her yet in the last year and a half, and I don't think I've seen her in 6 months!
Then, begins the new job. Crazy. I have a feeling I'll be pretty busy getting my feet wet in my new role, so I'm going to relax and have fun these next couple of weeks :)

A New Year

As is typical of me, I was so against making any New Years resolutions this year - because 'that's the popular thing to do.' (I have issues and we will just leave that alone.)
Anyway, something changed over the last few weeks and I've been thinking about resolutions. I think I first started thinking about how great this past year has been. I truly am SOOO thankful for what God has done in my life this past year. The previous two years were the hardest years of my life, but I find it hard to complain about them now because my faith in Christ grew stronger than I ever knew it would. I also would not be right where I am today if all of that had not been a part of my life. But still, those years were so difficult and I wanted out of them so badly. At the beginning of this year, I was still coming out of a fog, so it didn't start out that great... but as the year kept going on, my life started getting brighter and brighter. I have made so many friends over this past year that mean so much! I know God placed us all in each others' lives to encourage and entertain :) each other. I have had so much fun with these new friends as well as my 'old' friends. I've just started to really realize how blessed my life is.

So anyway - what I am about to say is so frustrating to admit... but, as God has been making these changes in my life, I have sadly started to forget about how close God has been to me and how much He has done for me. I have not thanked Him or shown Him love like I wish I would have. I have become lazy in spending time with Him. All of these incredible insights and lessons I've had over the last year or so I have slowly been forgetting. For example, I read Crazy Love by Francis Chan earlier this year, and I was so amazed at the things that God brought to my attention. I wanted so badly to live simply (and coincidentally, this wasn't hard to do because I was making so very little money in my job at the time...) and I was again considering missions. I had such a passion for living genuinely for God and in intentionally moving closer to Him and further away from this world.
Now, I still completely agree with moving closer to Him and apart from the world, but it seems like that passion I had has lost some of it's spark. I don't know what caused the change - except to guess that it is because I have become so busy doing these fun things and filling my time with friends and events that I have neglected to spend time with God. I also have come to a better spot financially and I guess I have not felt the need to 'ask' God for help. This is terrible. I don't want to just come to Him for things like this. I mean, He can definitely help, but He didn't live and die just to cure my financial woes... ugh. Not at all.
So, needless to say, I am a little disappointed in myself and my devotion to Christ. I don't feel like I've 'fallen away' or whatever... I just think I've started to pay less attention to Him because my life is easier, to be honest. The sad thing is - HE IS THE ONE who made it this way for me! I should be thanking Him every time I take a breath.

So anyway - back to resolutions. It seems weird to make that a resolution... so really, I just hope that in 2010, I grow closer to Christ and that I intentionally seek Him. Not to just seek Him FOR something, but to simply SEEK HIM. I DO want to know so much more about Him and His Word. I want to feel Him. I want to KNOW Him. I want to love more. I want to understand more, and really to just be closer to Him. As part of this desire, I guess I would 'resolve' to stop over-committing myself and to slow my life down a little. To make sure I am not putting anything ahead of Him. This is not just a 'New Years' resolution, this is an everyday, all-the-time kind of resolution.

OK - now as far as an actual New Years Resolution... I am going to give up all drinks other than water, with a couple of exceptions. This may sound ridiculous, but I will allow myself to have an 'adult beverage' every now and then ;) for celebration purposes of course! And, I can have coffee every now and then. Really, the only time I drink coffee now is if I need some caffeine to drive to work in Columbia in the mornings... but pretty soon I will only be driving 5 minutes to work (YAY!!!) so I won't need that caffeine! Starbucks drinks are also OK rarely, when friends want to go out and get coffee. So... maybe I'm terrible at making resolutions because I just gave myself like 5 exceptions. Whatever. The main goal is just to stop drinking a lot of stuff like sodas and other drinks that are just full of crap with zero nutritional value.

Another vague resolution I have is to LIVE SIMPLY. This is going to be a gradual process. I have already begun thinking like this over the past couple of years, but it comes and goes sometimes. I think living in Charleston started my 'live simply' mode, but Crazy Love helped to spur on my desire! Basically, I will pay much more attention to the 'stuff' I have. I try to get rid of extra stuff that I don't really need or want on a semi-regular basis. I'd really like to just have what I need instead of accumulating a bunch of stuff I end up not wanting. It really is such a waste. I'd like to get on track budget-wise and spend my money in a way that pleases God and helps others, instead of accumulating 'treasures' for myself that will rust and fade away. I will think more about what I actually 'need' versus what I just 'want' or the fact that I just want to spend money... (yikes).

I can't think of any more resolutions. This is probably plenty to work with ;)

However - 2010 IS bringing me a BRAND NEW JOB! I will have LOTS going on in that arena of life. I'm excited about starting the Child Life program at Doctor's Burn Unit, but I really have no idea what it is going to be like. I'm preparing myself to be challenged and to face some difficult situations... BUT, I also think it is going to be really great and interesting. Even though it is still Child Life, it's definitely and new realm for me, in that it is mostly in a burn unit, AND that I will be starting a program from scratch - which means I get to look around and say, "Ooh, let's do THIS!" Should be fun ;)

Who knows what else this coming year will bring. If it is anything like 2009, then I am looking forward to it :)

No Other Way

I can say it now
I always hoped I could somehow
But I had my doubts
In the moment, couldn’t figure it out
But now, I see, it’s right
What was dark is now so bright
My vision was so dim
Thought I’d lost what I’d never have again
And now, I am whole
Having reached this cherished goal
‘Thank You’ was hardly on my mind
With so many concerns that only bind
But, somehow along the way
You’ve allowed my mouth to say that
I am grateful that I failed
I am glad that I’ve known pain
It might seem strange to say
But I’d have it no other way
This path that’s led me here
I once wanted to disappear
But now, I see the beauty that You know
This life full of love, laughter, growth,
A heart of thanks, new joy and friends
For all Your ways, may my praise never end.